Improfanfic presents...


MAGICAL GIRL HUNTER


An Improfanfic created by Aaron Shattuck.


Episode 2: Postal Service


Written by Spencer Cody


Edited by Bobby Jr., everybody's favorite little handicap.
                         


-   -   -


When we left off, our "heroes" were under brutal attack from the
prepubescent fighter of justice, Captain Kawaii...

     All my previous doubts about "taking care" of young magical
girls were now down the proverbial can. I stood there with
several lacerations, bruises and a cracked rib, watching my
partner getting his arms disjointed by a psycho-tot. A strange
sensation washed over me. It was an anger I had never really
experienced before, namely because of our former "99%
assassination success rate". Losing a battle was something new to
me, and needless to say, I didn't enjoy it very much. My brain
was registering erratic impulses, and seeing as there weren't
really any other options at the moment, I selected the choice
that seemed most beneficial.
     "Hey," I called out. Captain Kawaii raised her head,
diverting her attention from the paroxysm of joy that only comes
when you are inflicting punishment on a helpless target. I
thought quickly.
     "Uh, come get me, you little...kid!" That was most likely
the lamest taunt I had ever used, but as long as she ignored
Itami, it didn't matter. I started to back away.
     "Ooooh, live prey..." She cracked an evil grin so wide, her
ears were almost connected by way of teeth. The distraction had
worked. I began to jog away, which was a rather large mistake.
Captain Kawaii took her wand of death and seared my left calf. 
     "Oh...Fudge! That's...burning," I yelled out as I now
speedily limped away. Nothing signifies a great day like a
second-degree burn. Hopping in retreat, I swiveled my head to see
that she was slowly stalking, toying with me.
     "Isn't this fun," I thought.

                         -   -   -
     Exiting the alley, I took to the busy 6-lane street with the
harbinger of death on my ass, more thoughts entered my mind. I
needed something to get away, and fast. Scanning around, I
declined an unlocked bicycle, a moped, and even a wheelchair.
Maniacal laughter could be heard a short distance away. Then, I
noticed a few cars waiting for a traffic light to turn green. 
Dashing to the nearest car, I opened the door and threw the
driver out. Served him right for not wearing a seatbelt. This had
to be the first lucky break of my day. It was a (silver) Lotus GT
V8. To bad it would most likely sustain full frame damage. I
wheeled up onto the sidewalk, did a donut around the group of
other automobiles, and drove back down the same street, spotting
the furious owner screaming his ass off at me out of the corner
of my eye. Darting and weaving through oncoming cars, I had
Captain Kawaii in my sights. She was less than impressed, telling
by her expression. I gunned after my target, which started to
move rapidly. I could see beams of rainbow light fly by, which
reminded me about how much goddamn pain I was in. Circling
around, the back windshield cracked under the energy bombardment,
and the scent of burnt paint was in the air. Cars that had
attempted to pass were now halted, the drivers wondering what the
hell was going on. 
     "Damn," I exclaimed. 
     "Missed her by only 3 feet that time..." Beams of light were
flying like there was no tomorrow and "my" car was taking the
full brunt of it. None of them were powerful enough to penetrate
the shell, fortunately. 
And of course, I had just spoken too soon. The ray-storm had
stopped long enough to pique my interest. I swerved to change
directions once again, only to notice the "little dickens" was
grasping the wand with 2 hands, apparently building up a mass of
energy large enough to collapse a house.
     "Well, Yoi," I thought again.
     "You're really fucked now."
Pulling away from my collision course with a small girl, a
punched the gas and didn't look back. A second later, a giant
shockwave smacked the car, causing it to spin out, and giving me
the pleasant sensation of vertigo. Turning around, I noticed that
the back right of my ride was nearly decimated and on fire. The
tire was still intact, though. I had grown weary of this game,
and I needed to make sure Itami was still breathing, so, setting
a final course, I started to accelerate to the max towards the
object of my hatred. Through my battered windshield, I could see
Captain Kawaii fiddling with her wand with a frustrated look on
her face. Apparently, she was out of "love ammo". This was my
chance, probably the single time that she wasn't firing her
weapon.
     "And then we'll have...Happy, happy smiles," I was lightly
humming. I couldn't think of a better victory anthem at the
moment.
Right before the impact, upon slowly looking up, Captain Kawaii
attempted to jump out of the way, but it was not enough. I heard
a sound not entirely unlike that of many dry twigs snapping at
once as I clipped her leg, and it made my day. I slammed on the
brakes to a halt, undid my seat belt (safety first), got out and
made my way over to a (hopefully) helpless little girl lying on
the ground. Picking her up 3 feet off the ground by her fuku
collar, I started a pseudo-speech.
     "This is for my pain!" I heavily punched her in the face.
     "This is for my medical bill," I exclaimed, feeling my roast
flesh as I once again punched her.
     "And...The new coke!" That was the first thing that came to
mind.
     "And lastly, Itami!" She was pretty well near death. I
rationalized for a moment, thinking how perverse it was for me to
be standing there, holding an 8 year-old, unconscious by my own
hand. Then I remembered just who this 8 year-old was, and it all
made sense. Standing in the correct position with a quick flip of
my wrist, I broke her neck with a satisfying crick. Dropping the
corpse to the ground, I ignored the horrified stares all around
me, and the faint police sirens in the background. Wondered how
the "living dead" was doing...

                         -   -   -

     Traveling back to the alley with a small gait, I came upon
Itami, unconscious, who had one gratuitously bent arm and the
other in nearly the same condition. He was breathing, however,
and that was what counted. Slinging him over my shoulder (with
immense pain), I started to lumber back to where I thought our
headquarters were.
     "Greetings," A voice came from behind me. Turning around, I
gazed upon a rather lean, blond man in a suit that you might find
somewhere on, say, Halloween night.
     "I come here from the order of Mashihaisha Ultra. I am one
of his foremost generals, Haikite."
     "Oh, as you can probably tell, we got Captain Kawaii." He
hesitated for a moment.
     "Yes, we know that. Quite fine work you do." There was an
odd tone in his voice. My suspicion was rising.
     "Where can we get our reward," I asked.
     "Oh, you won't need to go anywhere. I have it right here..."
Then it hit me. The tired old clich gave away a fact.
Mashihaisha Ultra was screwing us over. I placed Itami on the
ground and stood back upright.
     "Just get to the point, where's our 'reward'?"
     "I think you'll enjoy it. Meet...Mashyite Shell!" He
summoned a portal from which appeared a quite huge, humanoid
metallic turtle-thing. Aha. Shell. How clever is that? 
     "Enjoy, your doom is at hand!" He disappeared in a neat
little sparkle of light. Moving Itami out of the way, I assumed
my ready position. The freakin' thing was making a big scene all
by itself with thrashing and growling at nothing in particular. 
     "C'mon, don't waste my time here," I shot out, trying to be
intimidating. You probably can't intimidate something with a
central nervous system barely capable of handling respiratory
needs, anyway. It let out a huge rudimentary snarl as its back
apparently opened up. With slight hydraulic hissing, a large
barrage of tiny missiles exploded from the shell-launcher.
     "Fuck..." That was all I could think. Thankfully they
weren't seeking, so hiding behind a large chunk of wall was good
enough shielding to cause the ballistics to harmlessly sail
across the street. That is, until they blew up several structures
and automobiles. The beast was slowly advancing towards me, now
brandishing an automatic cannon in its beak. Of all the
mashyites, I get the goddamn mecha-tank after me. I had never
wanted a rocket launcher more than now. As I was reflecting on
how my life impacted on the rest of the world while silently
hiding, I saw that the monster had been suddenly distracted by
something back in the alleyway. It resembled a lot of gunshots
being fired and ricocheting off of steel (like it could be
anything else). As its concentration of attention had been
changed, I peered around the thing to see what the hell was going
on. There was a guy and a woman shooting automatics with high
accuracy and agility, as not to get hit by counter attacks. The
turtle was definitely trying to fight back, but the damage was
too great. There were small explosions lighting up the concealed
area as the girl unsheathed what could be nothing but a big-ass
sword and slashed the creature for a critical blow. I rushed to
save Itami from the typical "Youma-explosion blast-radius" (as
documented in many magical girl animes), and we were out of range
just in time. 
     "Shit," I mumbled to myself.

                              -   -   -

     Upon dusting off for what had to be the 34th time that
evening, I made my way over to the 2 strangers who had saved us
(to much gratitude). They were carrying on an idle conversation,
as if it were just an average occurrence. 
     "Uh," I was thinking hard as not to make a lousy first
impression.
     "Who the hell are you guys?" Viewing the giant sword the
woman was holding, I could vaguely make out an inscription on the
side: Ass-capper.
     "I could ask you the same question, man." This guy could
only be described by some as a bishounen draped with several full
bandoleers and many automatic weapons. I decided to answer first.
     "I'm Yoi, and that," I said, pointing to a crumpled heap of
flesh on the ground, 
     "Is my partner Itami. We're Magical girl hunters by trade.
And yourself?"
I had trouble imagining anyone else bandying this conversation
around so casually.
     "We are Youma-killers," he cut in.
     "We clean up your mess." How more awkward could my day get?
     "Anyway, I'm Kyo, and she's Mai. We cover for all the
'missing' magical girls. So, you might even be hired to kill us.
Just so you know, you'd lose, so don't even think about trying."
This guy was pretty modest. Before I had the chance to respond,
he cut in again.
     "See you around sometime. If you're lucky, we'll be saving
your ass again." As the two walked away, my mind was flooded with
thoughts. Namely, how a woman could be as good looking as Mai was
and not starve, and how to get our money from Mashihaisha
Ultra-asswipe. 
     "Next time, we'll have more guns," I commented to myself as
I lugged Itami to a hospital.

                              -   -   -

Well, that was exciting! Did you enjoy editing, Bobby Junior?
B.J: Hi!
Uh, hi Bobby Jr.
B.J: Hi!
Um, never mind...
B.J: H-...
That's enough Bobby Jr.

                              -   -   -

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