Subject: Magical Girl Hunter pt.4
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 23:34:22 -0500 (CDT)
From: stophim@muscanet.com (Colin Wales)
To: Stefan Gagne <twoflowr@pixelscapes.com>

Improfanfic presents...

MAGICAL GIRL HUNTER

An Improfanfic created and started by Aaron Shattuck.

Episode 4: Life's a Bitch, and So Am I...

Written by Colin Wales
Thanks to Ethan Forsythe for the "Necronomicute"

Edited by rabid wolverines

I wish I could tell you that I sat in my office and brooded darkly until I
came up with the perfect revenge plan, but I was distracted. Another trap
was set for me outside the office door.

If I told you it was Itami, you might actually get the impression I was
fooled by the thing waiting patiently for me. But frankly, even if I didn't
know he was in a hospital bed doing his best inanimate object impression,
anyone with half the sense of a retarded sea urchin would have been able to
sort this thing into the "not-exactly-human" category. It stood there, sorta
lopsided, dressed in a trenchcoat... it had a black wig over its head, and
under that I could see a cheap plastic mask, of which the lower jaw area had
been cut free so the "mouth" could appear to move.

The -best- part, however, was the sloppily-lettered bit of cardboard hanging
from its shoulders by a strand of twine, that read, "Me Itami".

I sighed, as I looked at it from down the hallway, then walked to the door.

"Hey, Itami," I said cheerfully, "All healed up?"

The Itami-thing lurched a bit, and a deep voice gurgled, "Me all healed, yep."

I unlocked the door and walked in, and it followed. Well, at least it
shuffled like Itami.

Taking a breath, I walked to the lone window, opened it, and yelled
dramatically, "Good Lord! A whole dumptruck of -raw meat- has overturned in
the street below!!"

Shoving me aside, the creature poked its torso out the window. "Where??
--Where?? Me want to see!"

Yes, I gave it a kick, and yes, it fell out the window. I watched it drop to
the pavement, where it burst apart into a couple dozen small lizards, which
scurried into the sewer, some of them making nasty gestures in my direction
as they did so.

Okay. Now, I thought, was a good time to plan revenge... but then there was
the rapping on the door.

Things just get better and better. It was Pretty Marshal Rose, or rather,
the nine-year-old girl who had just been given the ability to become Pretty
Marshal Rose. She was in normal clothes, and I wouldn't have recognized her,
except I caught a glimpse of a pink puppy head peeking from around a corner
down the hall...

For a second, I thought about grabbing her and flinging her out the window
after the Itami-thing-- it would solve so many potential problems-- but she
wasn't in Magical-Girl mode, and besides, nobody had hired us to do away
with her yet-- no point in giving the supernatural underworld freebies.

"Can I help you with something?" I asked her.

Her eyes darted back and forth, and she whspered, "I heard-- I heard someone
say..." She paused, and lowered her voice to a tiny squeak, "That you *kill*
people."

"That's right, we kill some kinds of people," I said in a normal
conversational tone, which made her flinch a little. Raising my voice just a
little, I continued-- "Why? Is there someone you want to have *killed*?"

She cringed like she'd been plugged into a wall socket. "SSSSSHHHH!!!!" She
looked in the puppy's direction. "Can... we talk inside?"

Shrugging, I stepped aside and let her enter, then shut the door.

"So?" I asked, once she'd settled into the chair. I couldn't -wait- to hear
this one.

She looked up at me conspiratorially. "I have to, um, destroy a couple
people... but I don't know if I can yet... so I thought maybe I could hire
someone to do it for me, just in case."

Well! What a wicked little thing! Hiring hitmen to do her job! If I wasn't a
hitm-- I -mean-, Magical Girl Hunter, I might have been shocked. As it was,
I was extremely amused.

"Well, maybe we can help, maybe not-- we're kind of specialized," I said,
supressing a chuckle, "but maybe if you tell me who it is you have to
destroy, I can tell you if we can help."

"Okay-- I have it written down..." she fished around in a pcket and pulled
out a scrap of paper and handed it to me. Unfolding it, I read, in blue
ballpoint letters:

                                        destroy the
                                     magikal girl hunters

I looked up to our office door at the lettering on the window. Reversed on
this side, on the other it would have been plain to anyone standing in front
of it that it said MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS.

Ooookay.

A number of scenarios flitted through my head-- scamming the kid out of a
chunk of cash, setting her up for destruction, using her to get back at
Mashi, any number of things... oh, hell I was too tired.

"Look, kid," I said, opening the door and pointing at the letters, "we *are*
the Magical Girl Hunters you have to destroy."

"But--" she said, in a confused voice, "That has a "C" in it, not a "K"."

"Same thing!" I barked, losing my patience. "Yours is a mistake! You have
been assigned to destroy *US*! I knew I should have had the sign lettered in
Japanese, but -noo-, English is -trendy---!"

"oh..." her voice trailed off, and she sat there for a second. Then she
perked up again-- "Say-- if I pay you a *lot*, will you kill yourselves?"

"NO! Now *GET OUT*!"

Her lower lip trembled, and she began sniffling as she hopped off the chair
and walked out into the hall. A couple tears traced down her cheeks as she
passed by me, and she turned to look up at me imploringly...

"Pleeeeeeease?" She wheedled, voice breaking with emotion...

"NO!"

All trace of sorrow dropped from her face like a cast-iron seagull.

"Fine!" She stamped her foot. "I was just giving you a chance to go out
painlessly!" Her eyes glittered with sheer malice. "But okay, you want to
make it difficult, fine! Next time I see you I'll sear you with the
evil-consuming all destroying painful corruscating fire of the *Pure Love*
inside my heart!"

She stomped off down the hall, pausing to aim a kick at the pink puppy,
which scampered out of the way. "Told you that wouldn't work!"

I sighed. At least she didn't transform right there. I wasn't sure I
could've handled that just then, I was so tired.

I still had revenge to plot. I sat down in the chair, leaned against the
desk, and began to scheme...

                                   ************

Okay, so I fell asleep.

But all that meant was that I was rested and sharp come morning, ready for
anything. From the moment that Mashihaishi Ultra waltzed in and contracted
us to eliminate Captain Kawaii, things had been going wrong (aside from
stealing a lot of money), and that was going to have to change. Now. I had a
few ideas, but first I'd have to see how Itami was doing.

I pulled on some fresh clothes from the closet, brushed my hair back into
place,
checked the mirror-- good to go. Reaching into the closet again, I pulled
out a sturdy briefcase.

Deep breath.

Time to kick ass.

                              ****************

Itami seemed better. Well, actually I couldn't tell if he'd even moved since
I had dropped him off. The only thing showing any sign of life in the room
was a quintet of doctors scurrying around, poking him occasionally.

"A perfect specimen..."  "we could make him into a really good cyborg..."
"no, no, a bio-weapon!" "we'll increase his psi potential!"

Upon seeing me, the doctors scattered and left. I looked at Itami. He lay
there, staring blankly at the ceiling. I pondered him for a second, then
played a hunch.

"Did the doctors work on you?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Get a good night's sleep?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's time to kill stuff. Shake it off and let's go."

He sat up, swung his feet onto the floor, and made a twisting motion. The
room was filled with several hollow-sounding cracks and pops. Itami snorted,
and stood, reaching for his clothes.

That's my boy. Itami wasn't one to let something like pain and injury slow
hin down.

                            *****************

We stepped out the front of the hospital, and I gave the area the once-over.
I'd been expecting Pretty Marshal Rose to make an appearance at any moment
since our discussion last night. Why she didn't try and pick me off as I
came out of the office was beyond me-- after all, she knew where I was-- but
I was sure that eventually the three marbles that served as her brain would
click together and she would come looking for us. Nudging Itami, I led him
over to a bench and opened the briefcase.

Without a word, we reached in and began divvying up the weapons. Handguns of
all sorts, knives, a couple grenades, extra clips... and for myself, a fully
automatic Uzi. After sorting them, we began to hide the weapons on our
respective persons. If you're -really- clever, you can hide a -lot- of weapons.

"I feel better now. -Much- more confident. How 'bout you, Itami?"

"I'm okay."

Wow. He must've been really jazzed!

"Well then. Get set-- I see the fun's about to begin."

He shifted his eyes and saw what I did-- the flourescent puppy across the
street that was trying hard -not- to be noticed. Of course, its pink hue
made it stand out like 30 Kleig lights were focused on it. We, however,
ignored it, stood, and walked, leaving the suitcase behind on the bench.

The puppy trailed us from a distance as we walked casually along. Eventually
we made our way to a less-busy section of town, full of disused factories
and alleyways. We stopped on a section of street that was simply designed to
host an ambush-- dark alleyways in all directions...

"So what do you say, partner?" I said in an obviously loud and exaggerated
voice. "I think we're being followed-- shall we duck into an alleyway and hide?"

"Whatever." murmured Itami.

"What?" I said, even louder. "We ought to hide in the alley with the glowing
pink light radiating from it? Capital idea! Let's do just that!"

We walked again, rapidly, towards the alley where the light was shining
from. Even as we walked, we were dropping weapons into our hands. Rounding
the corner, we drew them to firing level and began to shoot.

We heard a yelp from behind as the puppy realized what was happening, and
another yelp ahead as Pretty Marshal Rose scrambled to erect some sort of
forcefield. Of course, we'd begun firing before we'd actually spotted her in
the middle of the glowing pink nimbus, but we were coming close enough to
upset whatever ambush she'd been planning.

Our aim improved once we saw her, but the shield prevented her from becoming
an instant sieve. We kept firing-- keeping her too busy to lower the shield
and make an attack.

Then the puppy scrabbled around the corner.

"Not this time," I muttered, and as one, Itami and I swiveled around and
began firing in the other direction.

Pretty Hunter Rose shrieked as her companion expanded into a cloud of pink
and red mist.

We swung around again, but she had dropped her shield already, and was
pointing her wand in our direction. We began firing again, but we had to
duck out of the way as a pastel-colored bolt of energy ripped past us and
into a distant building. A few bullets tugged at her fuku, but she was
unhurt, and kept pouring the energy at us.

"Dammit!" I grunted as we began to retreat, "Running time again--"

Itami, however, had fished a grenade out of his pocket, and was staring at
it. By the time I realized the grenade was missing one pin, he had flung it
down the alley with one quick motion. We ran and ducked around the corner.

Large portions of pavement and buliding and other debris flung themselves
out of the alley, but none of it looked like bits of nine-year-old, so I
assumed she was still alive. This was confirmed seconds later by more pink
energy digging large gouges out of our surroundings.

We began to move down the street, but a bolt blasted clean through the
building we were next to, cutting us off. Several more punched through the
building, and we realized she was firing blind, hoping to catch us with a
lucky shot. The building wasn't designed to stand the stress of having half
its structural support vaporized, however, and obligingly collapsed,
spraying hard objects in all directions, knocking us both down. I hoped that
it was causing Pretty Marshal Rose some equivalent form of grief...

...But, as we struggled to get to our feet, we noticed she was already
standing, wand pointed at us, crackling with power.

"The pure Love in my soul will send you to eternal torment!" she squeaked in
a rage. Obviously they hadn't spent a lot of time teaching her cute songs
and phrases. The wand's power intensified, building to a peak--

-- and suddenly dissipated as a loud >crack< echoed across the street.
Something had smacked the girl's hand, sending the wand flying. A feminine
voice rang out-- "oh agents of Cute-- heed my cry-- you'd better get lost--
before I make you *DIE*!"

Oh, no. I recognized that voice-- and the stupid song.

Yep, there she was. She stood there, dressed in the same garb as most other
Magic Girls-- the boots, the gloves, way-too-short skirt, etc, etc-- only
with a few big differences. 1: Instead of being colored in some eye-gouging
citrus or pastel hue, her outfit was entirely black. 2: There was no cloth
here, just vinyl and rubber. 3: She had no wand or other cutesy weapon--
just a big leather whip, which she was currently readying for another strike
at Pretty Marshal Rose.

It was definitely, to my chagrin, Sailor H. Well, at least from down where I
was, I had a pretty good view of her black vinyl panties.

H was one of the teen girls (fortunately for general sanity's sake), tall
and blond, So she towered over the nine-year-old-- and when she wanted, she
could project a pretty fearsome aura-- so Pretty Marshal Rose cowered and
backed away from her... Sailor H moved forward, and I knew her well enough
to know that if she got ahold of the little squirt, there would be blood.
This would normally be just fine, but I'd had an idea. I stood.

"Hey, toots-- nice to see you back in town."

At the sound of my voice, she stiffened and whirled around. "YOU!! If I'd
realized I was saving -you- I'd have reconsidered! But if you're here--" Her
gaze shifted-- and softened. "Hiiiii, Itami," she said in a voice full of
implied naughtiness.

Sailor H was the only person I knew who could get Itami to blush (or show
much of any reaction, for that matter). That was pretty much it, though-- he
merely grunted "hi" as he stood.

This was all enough of a distraction to let Pretty Marshal Rose scurry over
to where her wand was laying. As she bent to pick it up, the movement caught
Sailor H's eye, and she whirled around, swinging her whip. She was too far
away to do much damage, but as she was bending over the tip caught the girl
on the rear with a loud >snap!<-- and Pretty Marshal Rose shrieked and ran
crying down the street, wand in hand...

Sailor H moved to follow, but I stopped her-- "Hold on," I said-- "let her
get a little ways ahead of us. If we do this right, I think we can get to
and eliminate a major source of these Magic Girls..." and settle a score or
two in the process, I thought to myself...

"Really?" Her tone was ice cold again. "And what makes you think your stupid
plan has any chance of working? And just how do you know about this
so-called "major source", you diseased, no-account--"

"Actually," I interrupted, "Most of it was figured out by Itami..."

"Oh..." she sighed, melting a bit. "Do go on..."

Itami shot me a dark look, but then all of his looks are pretty dark
anyways, so I just began filling in Sailor H on what was going on,
substituting Itami for me in a lot of the action. As I talked, we trailed
the fleeing Pretty Marshal Rose from a distance. It looked to me like we
had, for the moment, an ally, though a pretty unstable one.

                               ***************

I should probably take a moment to explain about Sailor H, although nothing
could really explain her entirely... anyways, she's part of that .1% that
keeps our success rate from being 100%.

When we first met, she was just another Magical Girl, part of a team, in
fact. If I remember correctly, the team's motif was fruit... that's right--
the Mystic Citrus Warriors.

Itami and I had been hired to take them out, and to make the story short, we
showed up on their doorstep one day to do just that. That was a rough day.
There were nine or ten girls there, each with her own little mascot. No one
knew at the time that the absolutely adorable purple baby raccoon being held
by Warrior Raspberry (I know, I know, raspberries aren't exactly -citrus-
fruits, go figure) was packed to the gills with rabies virus.

Having a sick and soon-to-become-deranged familiar had a peculiar effect on
this Citrus Warrior-- she was not quite as gung-ho about destroying evil as
her cohorts, and she wasn't too thrilled about risking her life in battles
against demons and monsters.

So when we burst into the Secret Powwow Against Evil that they were having,
Warrior Raspberry froze in the center of the room, eyes wide and horrified
as carnage unfolded around her. Bursts of pleasantly-scented lighting
crackled over every inch of the Holy Shrine (read: public park) that was
their headquarters, while in the meantime, Itami and I were serving up a lot
of fast-moving chunks of metal and things that go boom.

I was unloading a clip into a gurgling Warrior Tangerine, while Itami was
slitting Warrior Strawberry's throat, when the purple raccoon wriggled from
the frozen Raspberry's grip and clambered up her blouse. Gripping her collar
in its adorable little claws, it began berating her in its syrupy-sweet
little squeaking voice...

"Snap *out* of it you little *bitch*! Your fellow Warriors are being
slaughtered and you just stand there! Do I have to slap you around?
Worthless cow!" The animal was frothing at the mouth now, staring wildly
with its precious glazed button eyes-- "Do I have to do everything myself,
you top-heavy dropout?? I'll show you-- show you aaaall-- especially you,
you artificially-flavored SLUT--"

Having run out of moving targets for the moment, I swung around and fired at
the source of my ears' irritation, and half the frenzied critter moved
several feet to the left suddenly, while the rest of it tumbled off
Rasberry's front, hitting the ground with a wet >splat<. Ah, the wonder of
hollowpoints.

I was primed for a battle, but she simply stood and swayed a little, and as
I looked at her face, it became obvious that the whole experience had done
something Really Bad to the space behind her eyes.

I'd seen the same unfocused look in dogs that had been run over in the
street, and I raised my gun, less out of a desire to complete the contract
than to put the poor creature out of her misery-- but at that moment she
came back to life, and in a flash of purple light, flew up and through the
trees, out of sight.

Sighing, I walked over across the park to where Itami was wrestling with the
last of them. Warrior Kiwi seemed to have lost her wand or scepter or
whatever she used, but Itami also was without gun or knife.

"Itami," I chided. "Really. I'm disappointed. You need help?"

I raised my gun helpfully, eliciting a terrified squeal from Kiwi, but Itami
merely shifted his grip on her and said, "Nah. Just keeping busy while
waiting for you to finish over there." With that, he made a quick motion and
broke Warrior Kiwi's neck. She jerked and went slack, and he stood up and
brushed himself off.

We left the area, and that was the last I ever saw of Warrior Raspberry...
but the girl she became appeared a few months later.

Another contract of ours had put us in pursuit of Mimi Neko, another
dangerous character with the added cuteness factor of having a pair of cat
ears and a tail appear when she transformed. She was her own cute mascot,
and deserved to die horribly.

We'd had her on the run, chasing her down some street as she fired fuzzy
blasts of radiation at us with her Kitty Staff (or whatever). Somehow she'd
given us the slip, and we were checking dumpsters and other hiding
locations, when we heard a loud yowl off in the distance.

Darting down the street, we ducked into an alley and saw the object of our
search seemingly floating a good ten feet off the ground. A second glance
revealed she was actually -hanging- from a length of what appeared to be
rope that had been wrapped around her neck. A third glance revealed the
probable source of the yowl-- someone had taken Mimi's Kitty Staff and done
something to her that had to have been extremely uncomfortable. A forth
glance allowed our gazes to travel up the length of the strand she was
hanging from to see the person holding it--

"I am Sailor H!" the figure declared. "And I declare war on *cute*!" I
didn't recognize her as she stood there on a fire escape-- frankly, all I
noticed were the black vinyl panties-- and then I shook myself and raised my
gun. Whoever she was, she was another Magic Girl with obviously murderous
intentions, and at the time, I didn't feel like taking chances... So I
squeezed off four or five rounds.

The black-clad girl squeaked and leapt off the fire escape-- a flick of her
wrist and the whip came off Mimi Neko's neck, sending the corpse falling
back to earth. I swear to this day that Sailor H put a little english on
that flick, because the body smacked into me, knocking me down and ruining
my aim. I shoved the body off and regained my feet as Sailor H flew out of
sight.

"Why didn't you shoot her, Itami?" I grumbled as I straightened my collar.

"She wasn't part of the contract," he muttered.

Well, it wasn't all bad-- we took credit for the kill and got paid, but I
had a hunch we'd be seeing more of this Sailor H.

And we did, a number of times. Eventually I pieced together what had
happened to the erstwhile Warrior Raspberry-- apparantly after our first
meeting, she was stricken with a powerful sense of doubt and self-loathing,
but to her credit, instead of letting it pull her towards self-destructing,
she eventually rechanneled it into a more healthy hatred of those -like-
her-- other Magical Girls. So, after a while of bumming around in some
pretty sleazy areas of the world, she overhauled her image and went on a
Magical Girl killing spree. Warms the heart, doesn't it?

In any case, our subsequent meetings were a little more cordial-- though
she'd never really forgiven me for trying to shoot her the first couple of
times we met. She did warm up to Itami though-- I always said that his
gloomy looks and morose attitude were the perfect things to attract the
really -disturbed- girls-- and so she tolerated me for his sake. Good thing,
too-- she no longer throws big raspberry zaps around, but she can benchpress
250 pounds and I've seen her knock a hole in tank armor with that whip of
hers. She can be a pain to work with, but since this is a personal crusade
of hers, she doesn't want money or credit for her kills-- things Itami and I
are perfectly willing to accept on her behalf...

                           *******************

Anyway... We tailed Pretty Marshal Rose to a secluded rock garden. As we
watched from our hiding spots, the girl knelt in front of a little
arrangement of standing stones, and began to chant softly. I couldn't quite
make it out, but it appeared to be an appeal to mystical forces of good.

Minutes dragged on... suddenly, there was a rustling beside me. Sailor H
moved in close to me, squeezing in to hide behind the shrub I was crouched
next to.

"Just so you know," she whispered, "she's mine."

"Fine by me-- one less freebie," I whispered back, "but wait until she's
done communicating with whatever she's trying to communicate with, okay?"

"Fine." With that, she moved quietly to a shrub ahead of mine and knelt
down. As she leaned forward, her skirt tilted...

Panties. Dammit, I was going to have to have a -talk- with Itami. Dates are
hard enough to come by when you work in a rather misogynistic job like ours
(think about it-- what happens when they ask "so, what do you do?")... and I
figured I needed to find out for certain from Itami if A) he actually liked
girls and B) if he ever intended to make a move on H... because at this
point, I was almost willing to risk serious personal injury to make the
attempt myself.

My attention was diverted (fortunately) by a sudden glow from the stones,and
a crackling noise-- A voice rippled through the air...

"YES, YES, WHAT IS IT, MARSHAL ROSE? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS THE TIME
FOR THE FORCES OF GOOD'S AFTERNOON NAP?"

"I'm sorry," whined the girl, "but those guys killed my helper and then this
ooky lady came up and I think she broke my wand and I just don't know what
to do..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sailor H rise and walk, crouched over,
around some shrubs, making her way closer to the girl.

"OH, ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT," grumbled the voice, "WE'LL OPEN THE GATE AND
TRANSPORT YOU TO, uh, THE LANDS OF PARADISE AGAIN AND WE'LL FIND YOU A NEW
HELPER AND FIX YOUR WAND AND ALL THAT-- BUT WE'RE KINDA BUSY AT THE MOMENT,
SO WHEN YOU GET HERE, STAY OUT OF THE WAY UNTIL WE CALL FOR YOU, OKAY?"

"Yes, yes!" the girl breathed eagerly. "Thank you -soo- much!" The glow from
the stones faded, but she kept talking-- "I just -knew- that you would be
kind and good and you would watch out for me and protect me..."

Suddenly, a loop of leather dropped over Pretty Marshal Rose's head and
tightened around her throat. Sailor H straightened up from her crouch,
pulling the girl up off the ground, holding the whip's loop tight at the
back of her neck.

"Okay-- so what's this big plan of yours again?" she asked, as Pretty
Marshal Rose began to kick frantically. Itami and I stood and walked over to
where they were.

"It's pretty simple-- we wait for the portal to open-- get through, hide and
then see if we can find Mashi and Haikite and anyone else who gets in our
way and kick their asses."

"Gurk," offered Pretty Marshal Rose.

"Oh, that's -brilliantly- thought out, Yoi. I think we should find out how
and why an evil organization is creating hordes of magical do-gooders.
Doesn't make sense to me," H mused.

"Glack," objected Pretty Marshal Rose, as her kicks became more violent.

"Does it matter? We go in, tear the place apart, and they stop doing it. Who
cares how or why, as long as they quit it?"

"Ullllkk," remarked Pretty Marshal Rose, as she began to slow her kicking.

H frowned. "It matters to -me- a lot-- I want to find out why I was flung
out like so much cannon fodder-- especially if these forces for good are
merely some front for the forces of evil."

Pretty Marshal Rose didn't say much, just twitched a couple of times and
stuck out her tongue. Sailor H turned to Itami. "After this is all over,
what say you and I go to your place? I'll lick your wounds..."

Two blushes in one day! I was impressed. "Keep it in that thing you
laughingly call a skirt, H. And by the way, I think she's done."

"Hmm?" H shook the girl experimentally a couple of times, but being dead,
she didn't do anything except flop around a bit, and so H let her fall to
the ground.

The stones chose this moment to begin glowing again-- only this time the
glow got brighter and began to swirl-- soon, an image formed within the
glow-- what looked like a waiting room...

"This is our ride, kids-- um, bring that along with us--" I pointed at the
body-- "we might need it later."

Sailor H gripped the back of the corpse's fuku and hoisted it up. "For what?"

"I dunno-- snacks, maybe-- give me a break, I'm improvising here." With
that, I motioned my companions to follow, and we stepped through the portal.

There was an odd sensation as we stepped through the portal, and then we
were there in the room. The light dissipated, and we were left in a cozy
little room with sofas and a coffee table stacked with magazines and a box
of doughnuts.

"Ooooh, crullers," H said, and tossed the body onto a sofa. We crowded
around the table and set to. Whoever Mashi's baker is, he makes a wicked
doughnut.

Itami brushed some frosting off his chin and put an ear to the only door in
the room. "Summn's cmmin'," he said through a mouthful of bismarck.

Now I could hear footsteps, and it sounded like a lot of them.

"Hide," I said, and Sailor H and Itami darted over to one of the couches. I
headed for another, but then stopped, realizing that there was a Magical
Girl corpse on it.

Okay.

Whoever was coming wasn't expecting to find a dead Pretty Marshal Rose.
However, they were also expecting to find -someone_ in here. Finding nothing
would make them as suspicious as finding a body. I had to think quick. I
propped the body up into a sitting position. Her eyes were open, but her
tongue was all purple and sticking out. No good. I poked it back in with a
finger, but now her jaw was hanging slackly open. Gah. Rigor mortis just
isn't quick enough these days. I grabbed a doughnut, broke it in half, and
crammed the section into her mouth. Then I crawled under the couch and
pushed it forward a little so I could reach behind it.

As I was wedging a hand between the cushions, the door opened and in walked
Haikite. I recognized his voice as he boomed out, "Ah, Marshal Rose! I see
you have found the doughnuts. Well, a snack may make you feel better after
such a terrible loss, hmm?"

I reached through the cushions and gripped the hair on the back of Pretty
Marshal Rose's head, and tugged on it. Her head nodded.

"Very well. I will be back later, and we can select a suitable replacement
for your companion and reconstruct your wand. In the meantime, stay here, as
we Forces of Good are going to be, uh, doing something."

From under the couch I could see many, many feet in the doorway behind
Haikite. I tugged again, making her head bob in as energetic a series of
nods as a corpse could produce.

"I will see you later, then. Try to stay relaxed."

I thought to myself that she couldn't be much more relaxed than she was now.
Haikite spun on his heels and walked out the door, but before it closed I
could hear him mutter, "What a little pig! Did you *see* how many of those
doughnuts she ate?"

I crawled out from under the couch and stretched. Itami and Sailor H crawled
out from under their couch, and the catty grin on her face suggested she'd
taken some advantage of her proximity to the
even-more-disheveled-looking-than-usual Itami.

"Now what?" Itami asked. I took it as a sign of his extreme nervousness that
he was showing an interest in our course of action...

"Well, for one, I think she--" I jerked my thumb at the deceased Marshal
Rose-- "might come in handy. And for two, I think we want to see what the
"forces of good" are up to. Shall we?"

I walked over to the body, pulled the doughnut out of her mouth, then and
gripped the back of her blouse, lifting her to her feet. After some
fumbling, I managed to pull her into a more-or-less standing position by
getting a grip on her collar with one hand and the back of her hair with the
other. By kind of hopping her forward, I could get her to look like she was
walking... well... actually, she was "walking" like a hamstrung ostrich, but
I figured it would serve with the level of help they had in this place.

Hopping her in front of me, I walked out of the room, the others following.

I was impressed. Either this wasn't the same factory where I'd been earlier,
or there was a lot more of it inside than there looked. We were on the edge
of a large open-air courtyard with big stone pillars and attractive planting
arrangements-- surrounded by huge stone walls. Everything was ornately
decorated and brightly colored. Not bad-looking actually. I scanned the
place and chose the largest archway out of it, and led our party through it.

We found another courtyard, even larger and more ornately decked out. Coming
in our direction was a small patrol of guards... not too big to handle, but
big enough to set up an alarm. Well, here was the acid test.

They came up in front of me, looking down at Pretty Marshal Rose.

Working my voice into my best falsetto and trying not to move my lips, I
jerked her head a bit and squeaked, "Prisoner transfer from cellblock 1138..."

"Carry on," the lead thug grunted, and they walked on by.

This might've been easier than I thought.

We made our way through a number of other courtyards, progressively more and
more beautiful. The day was waning, and the sky turned amazing shades of
color-- and just then we found our way to Paradise.

Through a massive arch was the lushest garden yet, landscaped into a huge
hill with some sort of altar-looking structure at the top. Haikite was
there, flanked by a number of really mean-looking slabs of muscle, but they
were all decked out in shining silver and white armor. Below, surrounding
the hill, was a mass of hooded and robed figures, a few hundred or so.

We sidestepped and hid ourselves amongst the greenery. I dropped Pretty
Marshal Rose into a shrub and turned my attention to the gathering.

Seemingly from nowhere a voice was booming-- Mashihaishi Ultra.

"I BID YOU WELCOME, ACOLYTES OF THE LIGHT. KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DO TODAY WILL
SAFELY SECURE THE FUTURE FOR THOSE OF PURE HEART. KNOW THAT THERE IS AN
ACTIVE FORCE FOR GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE THAT HAS CHOSEN YOU TO BE ITS AGENTS."

Several hooded figures advanced towards the altar, and pulled back their
hoods. A host of adolescent girls stared at the altar, faces, awash with
rapture...

I'd always suspected that there was a good reason these forces were
recruiting young girls-- because they were more easy to convince that there
actually *was* an active force for good in the universe...

Now something was materializing behind the altar-- a figure, humanoid...
there was a shining white light emanating from the figure-- even from where
I was I could feel the soft warmth on my face... Now the girls dropped their
cloaks revealing a variety of schoolgirl uniforms...

The figure spread its arms and motioned the girls to come forward. As they
did so, a huge pair of feathered wings unfolded from its back. A chorus of
"oohs" and "aahhs" washed over the crowd as the figure gazed benevolently
around at the assembly.

If I was more of a spiritual fellow, I'd've said I was looking at a bonafide
angel.

From beneath the altar, the "angel" drew a massive tome, covered in the hide
of some furry animal that must have been radioactive while it was still
alive-- patches of unnaturally-colored fur gleamed in all the colors of the
rainbow. He set the book on the altar and opened it, flipping idly through
the pages.

"ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE HERE... BY THE POWER OF THE NECRONOMICUTE, I IMPLORE
THE UNIVERSE TO BESTOW ALL IT'S POWERS OF GOOD UPON THESE WORTHY APPLICANTS!"

He said a lot of other stuff which wasn't exactly interesting (not to
mention being in an entirely unfamiliar language), and light spilled over
the girls surrounding the altar. I had a sneaking suspicion that a team was
about to be created-- and just a glance told me there was going to be a
*lot* of girls in this group.

"OKAY, OKAY-- WARM LIGHT blah blah blah HAPPY HAPPY etc etc-- WE NEED
COMPANIONS! HAIKITE--" The figure with Mashi's voice waved at his
underling-- "WHERE'S THE COMPANIONS?"

"Right here, my Lord." With that, he motioned a couple of the grunts
forward. They came carrying a large crate. Setting it down, one of them
ripped a panel open, and a swarm of peeping baby chicks poured out, each
chick making a beeline to a schoolgirl...

Mystic light filled the air along with the sound of constant peeping. To one
side I could hear Sailor H moaning softly, "I think I'm gonna be sick..."

"GREAT. NOW WE NEED A MOTIF. HAVE WE GOT A GOOD MOTIF? NOT LIKE THAT FRUIT
THING A WHILE BACK, I HOPE--"

"Well, Lord-- you know how it is... most of the good ideas have been used..."

"YEAH, YEAH. OH, WELL, LET'S HAVE IT."

Haikite stepped forward and handed a familiar-looking yellow and black box.

"HMM. WELL, I GUESS IT'LL DO." He cleared his throat. "I NOW BLESS YOU ALL
WITH THE POWER OF THIS um MYSTIC TOKEN, AND YOU ARE NOW CHRISTENED, err--
THE SHINING CRAYON KNIGHTS!"

A white glow burst and spread out into 64 rainbow-shaded beams that sought
out and enveloped each schoolgirl... it was hard to look directly at the
glow... and when it subdsided, a brand new army of Magical Girls was milling
around, squealing at each other with delight.

Sixty freaking four. I crept closer to Itami and Sailor H.

"Hey," I hissed, "Hands up whoever thinks it might be a good idea to take
revenge -later-."

Both of them raised their hands.

"All right-- let's do it nice and quiet, see if we can find a non-magical
way out of here."

We slid among the hedges towards the exit. I briefly thought about grabbing
Pretty Marshal Rose's corpse again, but figured she'd only slow our running
down.

And then... and then I had one of **those** moments.

I heard something scrape, and followed the sound over to where two figures
were working in the shadows over a pile of nasty looking ordinance.

"Kyo" and "Mai".

And then it hit me. They bombed Mashi's HQ earlier. There was a bomb on our
office door, but another trap later. Bombs weren't Mashi's style-- he used
critters like the Itami-thing or the youmas-- and Magical Girls, it seemed.
*They* were the ones who tried to bomb me, not Mashi-- the address on the
bomb was probably to confuse the FBI. That would explain that crack I
overheard about the Magical Girl Hunters being "finished".

I grinned. I looked over to where Sailor H and Itami were-- they'd reached
the arch, and were motioning me to follow-- but when they saw the look on my
face, they stopped.

I shook one leg, and the Uzi slid out of my trousers (don't ask-- trade
secret). Picking it up, I sauntered over to where the two gender-benders were.

"Hi there," I said.

"Click," said the safety on my Uzi.

They looked up like kids caught at the cookie jar. "Hey!" said "Kyo". "Uh--
looks like you're out to get Mashi too... maybe we could join, uh, forces..."

"Mmmmmmm.... no, don't think so," I chirped.

Over by the arch, I could hear my companions making exaggerated "Shhh!" noises.

"Wait-- we saved your life! You know, the yoma?" squeaked "Mai".

"You sure did!!" I said, very cheerfully.

And then I squeezed the trigger...

                         END PART 4

[Editors' Note: Reeeeaaarrrghhhreeerrrgh  Grrrrrr  Rrrrrrrowll.]

 Colin Wales: Writer  Experimental Musician  Artist
SEE the World Domination Center and Baby Milk Factory:
          http://members.xoom.com/stophim
                    ************
PURE GRANULATED SOUND, experimental cd comp in progress
          is looking for submissions:
http://members.xoom.com/stophim/interfear/granular.htm
