Subject: MGH Episode 12!
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 05:25:46 EST
From: "John D. Evans" <jevans@MIT.EDU>
To: twoflowr@pixelscapes.com

And now, it's time for another thrilling installment of...

                            Magical Girl Hunters

Episode 12: "In the Cards", or, "Shub-Basement"

by John D. Evans (jevans@datablast.net)

Presented by ImproFanfic (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/)

Magical Girl Hunters created by Aaron Shattuck

Caution: This story contains depictions of people and things dying in
unpleasant ways, not to mention some strong words. If you're surprised by this,
you haven't read the previous episodes.  So why are you starting with part 12?

This episode edited by my alternate personalities. Say hi, guys.
Cover: Hi, guys. (snicker)
Vedic: Despite what you may think, that didn't really need to be said.
Stalker: Hail Aaron!
Bandolier: Get ON WITH IT!

Uh, right....so, without further ado, we bring you live to Yoi-san. Yoi?

-----

    Well, it had been a hectic few days.  After being stiffed on one contract,
hired for another, time-stopped, beaten up, splattered with unnamable
substances and shot at with an incredible variety of weaponry, not to mention
killing sixty-four magical girls without any compensation other than, maybe,
not being killed...many people in our line of work would take a day off.

    Although I'm not sure there *are* any other people in our line of work.

    The point was...it had been a hectic few days.  After the assault on
Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club, everyone was tired.  Itami and
Sailor H went back to his apartment to "recuperate".  I was trying not to
consider what that meant...not out of respect for Itami, but because I knew
such a line of thought would engender a lot of frustration.  Aika was
presumably in school being repeatedly educated, unless she hadn't gotten enough
sleep last night to stay awake in class.

    That left me.  I had been pretty banged up by the thing disguised as a
magical girl (or maybe magical girl disguised as a thing...I hadn't been too
sure).  However, Aika's magical girl powers had worked so well that I got up
and went to the office as always, instead of lying in bed and moaning all day
as I had thought I would be doing.

    So here I was, sitting at my desk and throwing darts at the board.

*thunk*

    I once heard about some famous musician who was only really good at
composing when he was lying in bed drinking orange-flavored tea.  Me, I just
need to toss a few darts.  It was the only reason I kept the dartboard up;
playing darts against Itami is, if you'll excuse the term, pointless...He's
just too good at using sharp things.

*thunk*

    That got me thinking about the sword Itami had received recently.  He had
said there was a curse on it.  He had also said he had gotten it from his
mother, who had died in a tragic trash compactor accident.  It seemed to suck
in light and head when he pulled it out.  Most unnerving of all, the one time I
had seen him use it in combat, he had actually *grinned* at me.

*thunk*

    Now, my work forces me to have a certain perspective on things.  I realize
that my chosen role in life is to kill magical girls, who are not just young
girls, but also usually Chosen Champions of Light and Good Things.  A case
could be made for me being on the side of Evil and Darkness, and I had long
since come to terms with this moral dilemma.  But Itami's sword...it worried
me.  It seemed like he was starting to be controlled by some dark force.  I
didn't mind him enjoying his work (hell, I did), but he was almost the only
person I could call a friend, and I'd be damned if I would let him be the
puppet of some Higher (or Lower) Power.

*thunk*

    "Hey, pusbag."

    I had a nine mil in my hands and was getting a bead on the voice...but then
I recognized it.

    "HEY! What'd I tell you about waving guns around, you son of a--"

    "Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Murray."  I lowered the gun.  "It's just, well,
surprising someone in my line of work is not really a good idea, you know?"

    Murray glared at me, and ruffled his wings.  And let me tell you, when a
buzzard glares at you, you really feel glared at.  I felt the need to
apologize...but then I realized that I had no idea how to make small talk to a
scavenger bird.

    "So Murray...uh...what's up?" I said after a moment.

    Murray hmphed a bit and shifted back and forth on the windowsill.  I got
the strangest feeling that there was something he was having a hard time
talking about.

    "Well, you see...this 'animal friend' crap.  I got no idea how it's
supposed to work.  I mean, I know about all this shit Aika can do...but I don't
know why she's supposed to do it."

    "I see," I lied.

    "I keep wonderin' if there's some way to resign."  He glared at me some
more, as if daring me to insult him.  "I'm not gonna be a happy animal
companion and shit.  I'm a *buzzard*, damn it."

    "So...You came to ask us, since we have...experience with magical girls."
He shuffled and shifted his eyes a bit at this, but generally conveyed the
impression of agreement.

    I decided my best bet was the smooth operator persona I used for clients.
"Well, Murray," I began, "I'm not quite sure what to tell you.  You see, all
the girls we've, uh, come into contact with, have all been trained by magical
girl outfits.  The Happy Healing Heroes, the Angel Idol Defense Force...you
know.  This 'solo agent' thing...it's new for us.  Not to mention that we've
never heard of anyone becoming a magical girl against their will."  I realized
that I wasn't being very smooth.  Unfortunately, I really didn't know what to
tell him...

    Then a thought occurred to me.  "Do you think it could have been
Mashihaisha Ultra who turned Aika into a magical girl?"  I noticed that my hand
was absently reaching back to throw a dart.  I let it fly and it hit the board
board with a satisfying *thunk*.  "Although...now that I think about it, it
probably wasn't him.  He seems to be trying to a) kill us, and b) discredit
magical girls, both of which require very specific instructions.  He wouldn't
just turn someone loose like that."

    "It wasn't him," Murray put in.

    My hand paused in the dart drawer.  "How do you know?"

    He snorted.  "Magic.  I have this magical friend sense, or some fuckin'
thing.  Ultra and the guy who made us are different."

    I blinked.  "Can you tell anything else about Ultra?  Can you sense who he
is, or where he is?"

    Murray rolled his head around, which was rather strange to watch.  "Not
like that.  It's like...smelling their minds or something.  I don't *know*,
dammit.  I can just tell they're different."  He looked straight at me with a
beady buzzard eye.  "Thinking isn't easy, you know.  It used to be just fly
around, eat, crap, maybe look for a female buzzard every once in a while,
simple.  Now I gotta worry about the fuckin' forces of Good and Evil.  Not only
that, I gotta worry about whether I really *do* have to worry about them."

    I took a moment to digest this soliloquy.  I felt reassured somehow that
Aika wasn't a plot to kill us...At least, not by Ultra.  Murray didn't seem to
be able to track Ultra, which would have been useful, but maybe his "mind
smell" would come in handy later, somehow.  But there was still the mystery of
who had created Aika...and there was Itami's sword, and other things...

    I let a final dart fly and stood up, ignoring the *chink* as it missed its
mark.  "I'm going to go visit a friend of mine who might know a bit more,
Murray.  I'll let you know what I find out...or I'll let Aika know, she can
probably get it it to you.  Keep in touch."

    Murray barked a laugh.  "You kick off and I'll keep in fuckin' touch."

    That one stopped me for a moment.  Buzzard humor, I guess.

-----

    Even though I chase down "magical" girls for a living, I really don't know
anything about magic itself.  Of course, I had never seen a need to, either.
Why bother understanding magical girls  when I could just kill them?  My
expertise, therefore, is mostly in the area of weaponry.  However, I have an
acquaintance who knows a little about the "occult arts", as he puts it.  I
can't really say he's the Finn of magic, but he did help me out when Sailor
Mirth had cursed my face with her Love and Happy Smiles attack.  If there was
anyone with something useful to say on the subject, it was probably him.

    Walking through Tokyo, I noticed a number of lights, trees and plastic guys
in red suits brightening up the streets.  It seemed it was getting to be that
time of year again.  With all the running, shooting, etc. that had been taking
up my time, I hadn't realized it was December already.  I hadn't even gotten a
gift for Itami.  Not that he would care; every year I get him a sumo highlights
tape or something, and he grunts and gives me some ammo.  I have a feeling he
wouldn't miss this little exchange if I blew it off, but the gesture is kind of
important to me.  After all, as I said, he's pretty much the only person I can
call a friend.

    Then I found myself wondering whether to get a gift for Aika.  She was
already starting to feel like part of the Magical Girl Hunters team.  In that
line of thought, perhaps I could get something for Sailor H as well.  Maybe if
I got her some more black vinyl panties, she would model them for me...

    Promising myself a cold shower when I got home, I finally spied the sign I
was looking for: "Secrets of the Universe Revealed! Tarot, Astrology, Shinto
Charms".  I had always thought it was kind of weak, but apparently Keikaku
likes it that way.

    I pushed the door open, entering a small, rather ordinary room which
someone had tried to make look vaguely mysterious.  The walls were a light blue
with black astrological symbols painted on them, and pictures of exotic and
presumably magical locales dotted the walls.  In the center was a round table
with a pink tablecloth, at which a man appeared to be playing solitaire with
tarot cards.

    "Hey, Keikaku," I said.

    "Yoi, come in.  It's good to see you."  Keikaku was a rather plain guy,
average height, kinda thin, short black hair.  He was wearing a black robe, but
somehow it seemed pretty ordinary, even compared to the lousy ones the
Shubby-chan cultists wore.  He didn't bother to look up from his game as he
talked.  "Please, sit down.  ...By the way...is this business or personal?"

    "I don't know, what are your rates?"  I turned the chair around and
straddled it, looking at him from across the table.

    "It's not the money that matters, it's more the spirit of the thing.  The
exchange.  If you want serious advice, you'll need to pay...but I'll give you a
discount since you're such a cool guy.  Say, 1000 yen an hour."

    I had never understood Keikaku, and I'm not sure I ever would.  Nothing
seemed important to him except this weird little shop where he told housewives'
fortunes, and even it was pretty lame.  I almost felt sorry for him sometimes.

    "This shouldn't take long, I think, but here's 2000 anyway.  I'm feeling
generous today."  I peeled off some bills and dropped them on the table.

    "Fair enough." He gathered up the money and put it somewhere in his robe.
Only then did he actually look at me.  "I always like to know where things
stand."  He smiled, as if at some private joke.  "So, what's up?  How's
business?"

    "Weird.  In fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."  I proceeded
to fill Keikaku in on recent events.  He didn't say anything the entire time,
being a heavy 'think before acting' kind of guy.  Fortunately, he didn't have
to worry about magical girls shooting at him, so he could afford this luxury.

    What can I say?  I live my work.

    "So I was wondering if you might have any insight into any of these
events...you know, anything to say on any of these subjects," I concluded.  "I
feel like I'm getting a bit out of my depth, here, so if you could shed some
light..." I trailed off, and looked at Keikaku to see if he was still paying
attention.

    Keikaku was staring at the table.  "Yes, I see," he said after a moment.
"Lots of odd stuff.  I'll have to think about this for a few minutes.
Fortunately, I've already won this game, so I can use the cards."  He gathered
the cards up and started shuffling.

    Now this was the thing about Keikaku I had never understood.  He went
this stuff like it really mattered.  "Keikaku...look, I respect you, man,
but...you don't believe this all actually *works*, do you?  I mean, cultists in
robes performing dark rituals for black powers, that makes sense, but laying
out cards on a table just seems...silly."

    "Ah, Yoi, you never did understand, did you?"  He looked at me almost
pityingly, which I found kind of annoying.  "It's not whether things work or
not that's important.  It's how you think about them that matters."  He sighed,
and cut the deck one-handed.  "For now, let's just think about this..."

    He started laying down cards in a presumably ancient fortune-telling
pattern.  "You talk about Good and Evil like they were absolutes.  Like you
could make an Evil-O-Meter, and use it to hunt down demons and lawyers.  It
really doesn't work like that."

    "Oh, I know what you mean," I said, determined not to seem ignorant.
"You're talking about 'Them and Us' instead of 'Good and Evil."  A point of
view I had picked up from some book and found to be both quite rational and
almost uniquely suited to my line of work.

    "Well, yes, in a sense," he said, staring at the cards he was laying on the
table.  It struck me that Keikaku might be doing this just to concentrate, like
I did with darts.  Maybe that was what he had meant about 'how you think about
them'.  "You see, there are many supernatural forces at work in the world, some
obvious and some subtle.  I don't think it's really an exaggeration to say
they're all on the same side: their own.  Even so, we can make some
generalizations.  For example, there are many groups that seek to gain power in
human society, or simply dominate society itself."

    I knew this quite well, in fact.  "Most of my clients would fall into that
category."

    Keikaku smiled slightly as he considered the cards.  "Indeed.  Then there
are the organizations that feel that humanity is worth protecting from evil."

    "Magical girls," I said, nodding.

    "Probably.  But then there are the forces that are opposed to one or the
other of the previous forces, and don't really care about humanity.  They might
field magical girls as well..."  He flipped over a card from the deck and
peered at it.  "Chariot.  Help, triumph, war, presumption, vengeance..."

    A light dawned.  "If they're only interested in fighting other things...
They wouldn't care about civilian casualties."

    Keikaku smiled again.  "Yes, they probably wouldn't.  Then there are the
ghosts and demons which are really acting on human desires...for vengeance,
anger, or just hatred at the world.  Many demons are, in fact, basically human
ghosts filled with dark emotions that have been able to gain power after
death."

    I started to get that 'in over my head' feeling again.  "And...they might
be used by, perhaps, my clients?"

    "Possibly.  But they usually work in other ways.  It's my feeling, for
example, that the sword your friend Itami has is haunted by a spirit which has
a great deal of hatred for the living.  Not everyone wants to either hire you
or kill you, Yoi."

    That was a bit of a shock.  "So...it's not an Evil-with-a-capital-E sword?"

    "What is evil, Yoi?" Keikaku asked musingly.  "In my view, evil only has
meaning to humans...therefore, only things with human desires can do evil
things.  I mean, if an earthquake kills someone, you don't call it evil, since
it doesn't have any desires.  Of course...the sword might have had its spirit
as a sword awakened by some hateful magician...but there's not much difference
between that and a haunting...Five of swords; degradation, infamy, dishonor..."

    I realized Keikaku was drifting off on a tangent, and tried to think of
something to bring him back.  "What about...those two youma hunters, Kyo and
Mai?  Where do they fit in?"

    He looked up at me from the cards.  "Well, they could be agents of some
power similar to that making magical girls...Or they could be humans who have
gotten access to some magical powers and decided to hunt youma to protect
society.  Self-appointed policemen.  In fact, that explanation sounds more
likely to me."

    I nodded; Kyo and Mai had seemed quite human to me.  I kind of doubted an
alien entity would go to the trouble of cross-dressing.  "All right...what
about the cultists and Shub-Niggurath?  Are they evil?"

    "A difficult question," he said as he flipped up the top card of the deck
and looked at it.  "Shub-Niggurath is a alien entity.  Her (or maybe its)
motives are probably impossible for humans to understand.  Perhaps she has a
deal with the cultists; they provide her with sacrifices, and she provides them
with the services of her Dark Young."

    A lot of wheels were turning in my head now.  "Since she needs sacrifices,
that might make her evil in a human sense...not something for normal humans to
deal with.  And the kind of people that would worship her, provide sacrifices,
would probably fit the definition of evil."  I noticed Keikaku looking at me
with an odd smile; after a moment, I realized why.  "I don't want to go into
what category I think I fit into right now, if that's what you're thinking," I
said, doing my Itami impersonation to discourage discussion.

    "Of course," Keikaku said.  "Your money, your talk.  Anyway, I'm a web
developer, not a psychiatrist."

    I stared at him.

    He looked back at me.  "What, you think this shop pays my rent?  But
getting back to the subject..."  He showed me the card he had turned over; it
had a picture of a big thing with a goat's head, and the title 'Devil'.  "One
other thing about Shub-Niggurath is that her Dark Young are so unlike human
life that most people would class them as demons, and certainly evil.  They
probably don't coexist well with humans."

    "Yeah, I think that's a safe assumption," I said.  "So...this Ramsbottom
character.  Somehow, I'm not convinced that he hired us simply because we're
good at killing people.  I think he must have some reason not to be involved in
taking out the cultists personally.  You?"

    "Well, I agree with you, for one thing...but I'm not sure what reason he
might have.  Maybe he really does want to save the universe...but I think it's
more likely that the cultists are interfering in his plans somehow."

    I pondered this.  "Yeah, that makes sense.  So that leaves only one thing.
Who healed Aika and turned her into a magical girl...and why?"

    Keikaku looked straight at me.  "By now you should know as well as I do."

    After a moment, I nodded.  "It could be any number of these 'forces'...but
there's really no way to tell right now.  Since you seem to be implying that
you don't know of any way to sense who it was."

    "Correct. However..." He turned over the next card in the deck, then looked
at me expectantly.

    I looked back at him.  "However...what?"

    He indicated the card.  "The Star; loss and abandonment, or alternately
hope."

    Then I got it.  "However, since nobody seems to be giving her orders, we
probably shouldn't be worrying."

    "Didn't you tell me that Ultra hired you to get rid of his own magical
girl?"

    I nodded, suppressing a shiver.  "Captain Kawaii."  I'd been trying to
forget the sadistic little tot.  "He was definitely trying to get rid of her.
...So if whatever force is displeased with Aika, they'll make sure we know."

    "Right.  So, just relax and don't worry.  If something needs to be done,
you'll know."  Keikaku's grin took on a slight manic tinge.

    Well, this had been slghtly productive.  "It's my job to worry about
things, Keikaku.  That's why we have a ninety-nine percent success rate, you
know; I think about the details."  I stood up and I turned to leave.  "Thanks
for the advice...I really do feel like I have a better handle on things."  An
odd mental image of a pair of handlebars mounted on a skyscraper popped into my
head.

    "One more thing before you go, Yoi.  Well, actually two."  I turned around
again to see Keikaku patting down his robe, like there were hidden pockets.
Suddenly I felt like Keikaku was a lot more understandable.  I had quite a few
pockets in my trenchcoat, myself.  I felt the bond strengthen when he took a
knife out from somewhere.  "This is for you."

    "What is it?" I asked, though it was obviously a knife.

    "Call it a good luck charm," he said, "although basically it's a knife."

    "Yeah, I noticed.  What's it do?"

    "I'm not exactly sure.  I got it from a friend, who said it was an ancient
spirit knife.  ...Before you say anything, there's nothing haunting it or
anything like Itami's sword.  As far as I know, some priest might have just
waved his hands over it and pronounced it magical, for all the power I can
sense.  If nothing else, you could stick it into someone and make them bleed."

    Normally I wouldn't bother with anything like this, but upon close
inspection it turned out to be a really good knife.  It was actually a tanto, a
hiltless Japanese knife made with classical sword-making techniques.  Usually I
used ordinary army knives, but this looked like it might have been the
last-ditch weapon of a Tokugawa samurai.  I know I usually place my faith in
flying lead, but after the Finn's prize gun had jammed on me, this looked
pretty good.  Besides, it was better than *my* current last-ditch weapon.

    "Well, Keikaku...it does happen to be a damn good knife.  So if you're
letting me have it for free, hell, I'll take it."  I turned it around and
noticed a small yin-yang design on the pommel.  Raising an eyebrow, I pointed
it at him.  "And what's this?"

    "In this case, it symbolizes balance.  I thought it appropriate for you."
He smiled.  "Just one thing...don't give it to Itami.  I'm not sure it would
like that sword of his."

    I pocketed the knife.  "Sure.  We just got a new load in anyway; he's got
more than enough to play with."  I turned and had the door open before I
remembered something.  "What was the other thing?" I asked, turning around yet
yet again.

    Keikaku looked off into space for a moment, then back at me.  "Oh, yeah.
It was just another thought about those cultists of Shub-Niggurath you were
talking about.  You said you were going to hit them again tomorrow...And you
said the pamphlets said she was the 'Guardian of the Young'.  Right?"

    "Yeah," I said, suddenly getting a bad feeling.

    "Well...whose Young is she Guarding?"

-----

    Well, that was enough screwing around.  Time to get to work.

        I called Itami, and we agreed to stake out the pizza box address that
night.  I got the plans of the place from City Records, as usual, and then I
picked Itami up so he could be uncommunicative during the stakeout, as usual.
Once again, we were watching an abandoned warehouse.  This one hadn't even been
made up to look like a day care center.  I felt like my brain was gnawing its
own leg off to escape the deadly boredom.

    "So, Itami," I said.

    Itami looked at me.

    "Er..." I desperately tried to think of something to say.  "...Feel like
listening to the radio for a bit?"

    Itami gave me a 'have you gone insane' look, which, after a moment, shaded
into an 'oh, all right' look.  He leaned over and switched on the radio.

    "--and don't forget, the Idol Benefit Achievement Concert will be held next
Tuesday in the Tokyo Happydrome, so get your tickets soon!  Now, continuing our
Tokyo Fun Late Night Insomnia Hour, here's the lovely Angel Fighter Aiko with
'There's Someone For You'.  This one's going out to everyone losing sleep over
love.  Remember...'There's someone for *CLICK*"  I snapped off the radio and
sank back into my seat, ignoring Itami's expression.  Fortunately, I had
managed to think of something to talk about.

    "So Itami...Did Sailor H tell you why she hadn't shown up for the scouting
mission a couple of days ago?"

    Itami shook his head ever so slightly.

    After a moment, I blinked.  "She didn't tell you where she was?"

    "Grunt," Itami grunted.

    This struck me as a bit odd.  "...Did you talk to her at all?"

    "Haven't seen her."

    Well, I knew that H was far from a regular member of the team.  Maybe she
had just decided that killing cultists was a waste of time.  Still, I had
realy had the impression that she had finally wormed her way into Itami's, er,
heart for good, and thus would be sticking around for a while.

    Well, it's not like my being paranoid is actually news to anyone.

    Itami hissed softly.  I jerked out of my reverie and noticed three girls
walking toward the warehouse.  My magical girl hunting instincts buzzed as I
looked at them.  They certainly weren't the cute-obsessed type; however, there
was a certain self-confidence in their walk.  I could tell they would be
determined fighters...difficult to take down, as magical girls went.

    "Same," Itami murmured.

    "What?"

    "They all walk the same."

    I looked back at the girls, and got a strange feeling as I realized that
Itami was correct.  The three girls all walked with the same stride, and didn't
talk much.  If they had been walking in sync, they would have looked like
soldiers on parade.  Fortunately, they all looked different, or I would have
been really spooked.  One had straight blue hair which came to her shoulders,
another had curly brown hair, and the third had a brown ponytail.  Their
clothes were also slightly different, but casual and forgettable.  The girls
disappeared into the front entrance of the warehouse.

    "Looked like magical girls," I noted.

    "Yeah."

    I turned in my seat to look at Itami.  "Did they seem a bit...strange to
you?"

    "Yeah."

    I waited, but he didn't offer anything else.  "...Do you think they might
have been transformed girls, like we fought at the other Shubby-chan Club?" I
finally asked.

    "Maybe."

    That seemed to end that conversation.  The rest of the stakeout was
uneventful.  Nobody went in or out of the warehouse the entire time, and
eventually I turned the radio back on (on a non-Fun station, of course).
Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, we left the stakeout and agreed to
meet at the office in the afternoon to discuss our findings at the time we had
agreed upon with Aika and H.  I drove Itami home and then went back to my
apartment.  My dreams were weirder than usual that night, filled with dark,
inhuman creatures and roaring, out-of-control lawnmowers.

-----

    The next day I slept a bit late, and got to the office about an hour before
the meeting.  I didn't really worry about clients coming by and not finding us
in, since we still had enough ready cash to live for a while, not to mention an
answering machine.  Itami showed up soon after me, and we played darts until
Aika arrived, right on time.

    "Itami, have you seen H yet?" I asked.  Itami shook his head.  "All right,
then I suggest we start the meeting.  I don't think H will be joining us...she
practically defines the term 'loose cannon', so it's just us three.  If you
still want to work with us, of course, Aika."

    "Of course!" Aika said.  "Where else could I get to use such wonderful
guns?"

    I smiled, trying hard not to sweatdrop.  "All right, then.  As we all know,
the only lead we have is the address we got from the pizza receipt.  Itami and
I staked it out last night; it was a pretty standard cult warehouse, and wasn't
fixed up like a day care center.  The only suspicious activity (in fact, the
only activity at all) was when three girls entered the warehouse.  I thought
they looked like magical girls, but Itami pointed out something odd about them
that made me suspect they might be like the things we fought at the other
place.  Right, Itami?"

    Itami grunted.

    "Right," I said.  "So I think we can expect the same kind of resistance, or
even more, when we hit this place.  We got two of the people on Ramsbottom's
list so far, Bara and Jiyu, leaving Kotonatta and Reika.  We get them, and the
contract is fulfilled.  So...any questions so far?"  I smiled around the room.

    Itami looked like he always does.  Aika did not appear very enthused about
fighting more magical girl things.  I deflated a little.

    Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  I grabbed two pistols from my
desk and threw one to Aika, who quickly flipped the safety off.  As I noticed
Itami pulling out a couple knives, the door opened.

    It only opened a little, though, to let a familiar head peer into the room.

    "Hey there, Yoi, Itami," Kyo chirped.  "Is this a bad time?"

    I exhaled and relaxed slightly, though I didn't lower my gun.  "Kyo.  You
should make an appointment if you want to see us.  ...But I guess this is as
good a time as any.  What's up?"

    Kyo grinned an almost-manic grin.  "We've got something that I think
belongs to you."

    I could tell she was trying to milk this.  "Kyo, I had a long night.
Either tell us why you're here or go away."

    Kyo pouted a little.  "All right, I'll just show you then."  She pushed the
door open all the way and stepped into the room with a slight flourish.  "Ta
daa!"

    Sailor H fell face-first into the room.  She was tied up with rather
sturdy-looking rope, not to mention hand and legcuffs.  A cord attached to the
cuffs formed a kind of leash, the end of which was gripped by the smirking Mai,
who stepped into the room behind her.

    All three of us stood up.  "H!" I said, too surprised to say anything
intelligent.  H looked up at me and snarled.  Fortunately, she didn't look
injured, just tied up and pissed off.  My brain had started working again in
the second it took her to snarl, so I said, "We were all worried about you when
you didn't show up, especially Itami."  H looked over and noticed Itami, and
suddenly her whole attitude toward being tied up seemed to change.  I noticed
out of the corner of my eye that Aika was blushing slightly.

    "We were out hunting youma on the waterfront when this little bitch came by
and strangled Peachy Keena," Mai said, his voice heavy with derision.  "The
Fruit Fighters thought we were together and almost killed us.  That just about
ruined my whole day.  You're lucky we didn't off her ourselves, Yoshi."

    I winced.  "Well...I'm not sure what to tell you, Mai.  H isn't really part
of our team, she usually works alone.  You'll have to ask her about it."

    H snarled at me again.  "That's right!  I can't stand this obnoxious clod!"
She looked at Itami and shifted mental gears.  "Itami, on the other hand..."

    "Did you really get Peachy Keena?" Aika suddenly asked.  I looked at her
and realized her eyes were almost sparkling.

    H as a role model was not a thought I wanted to pursue.

    "Who's this?" Mai said, staring at Aika.

    "Well, this is Pretty Deadly.  She also seems to be, ah, working with us."
I stared at Aika, realizing that we hadn't formally made any arrangements for
her to work with us...she had just sort of hung around more and more.
Fortunately, she was able to speak for herself.

    "I was changed into a magical girl against my will, by forces unknown.
They crushed my future and turned me into that which I despise.  I will kill
them all myself!  I am...PRETTY DEADLY!"

    Maybe her speaking for herself wasn't *that* good an idea.

    "Right, then...Deadly, this is Kyo and Mai.  They hunt youma, but are
unconnected to the magical girls.  We tried to kill each other in the past, but
we worked all that out.  Right, guys?" I asked hopefully.

    "I still haven't decided what to do about you," Mai said, his eyes narrow.
I noticed that Kyo and Aika seemed to be in some sort of glaring contest.
"Your killing magical girls means more work for us."

    "Except when we get rid of the fake magical girls, like Ultra's," I put in.
"In fact..."  A couple things clicked together in my head.  "...right now,
we're currently pursuing a contract which is really more in the vein of youma
hunting."

    "You are?" Kyo asked, turning to me.

    "We are?" Aika asked, turning to me.

    "Indeed we are," I said cheerfully, feeling more in control.  "Perhaps
you've heard of Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club.  We recently
destroyed one of their warehouses, and tonight we're going to hit another.
They seemed to have quite an operation, with lots of Dark Young disguised as
girls.  Fortunately, we were able to get rid of two of their top people and
several of these mutated youma."

    Kyo and Mai looked at each other.  I had the odd impression that they were
communicating telepathically.  I hadn't been sure whether Dark Young qualified
as youma, but it looked like they were buying it.

    Finally, they looked back at me.  "We would like to go with you tonight,"
Mai said.  "We were going to hit this place ourselves soon, so it works out
pretty well."

    Something nagged at me.  "Is there some special reason you don't like these
guys, in particular?"

    More mind talk.  "They took something from us," Mai said finally.
"Something valuable."

    More alarm bells in my head.  "Something dangerous?"

    "Yes, it could be dangerous," Kyo said, "but we're certain they won't be
able to use it by tonight.  And if we disrupt their operation, they'll *never*
be able to."

    This was not really welcome news.  However, it was better to know about it
now, since it wasn't going to change.  "Anything else we should know?"  They
shook their heads.  "Do you know anyone by the name of Ramsbottom?" I asked, on
an off-chance.  More head shaking.  "All right...let's plan out the assault.
Aika?  Itami?  H?"  I looked around and noticed Itami and H on the couch.

    "Whoa, get a room, you two," Mai called.  I noticed Kyo and Aika blushing.
I felt like another cold shower myself, in fact.

-----

    It was now ten PM, and we were at the warehouse.  H, Kyo, Mai and Aika had
all agreed to accompany me and Itami.  Since we had so many people we had
decided to split up and do a pincer attack.  Itami, H and Mai were taking the
right alley entrance, and Kyo and Aika were with me at the left.  We would move
toward the back while the other team searched toward the front, and thus we
would soon have cleared all the entrances and hopefully forced any survivors
into the center where we could surround them.  It wasn't often that I got to do
really strategic operations, and I was rather pleased with myself for thinking
up this little plan.

    I looked at my watch.  About one minute to the appointed ass-kicking time.
I glanced at Kyo and Aika.  "Ready, ladies?"  Kyo smirked and Aika smiled, but
both nodded.  "All right, then...forty-five seconds.  Get ready."  I cocked my
kickass gun and stared at the door.

    "Yoi?" Aika asked.

    "Yeah?"

    "Is your name really Yoshi?"

    I almost fell down.  "Er...Deadly..."

    "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," she said quickly.  "I was
just curious."

    "Let's just say...I don't like having the same name as a video game magical
animal friend.  Call me Yoi."

    "Okay.  I didn't mean to bother you or anything."

    "No, no problem.  Just, now you know."

    "You know, Yoi, we just got your name from a file," Kyo put in.  "We didn't
mean to bother you either.  Well, maybe Mai did, but I didn't."

    "Look, it doesn't matter," I said.  This was making me kind of tense.  We
were about to invade a cult sanctuary, we should be meditating on the nature of
death and dying in the service to a cause, or some crap like that.  "Just think
about this: Ten seconds."

    We all fell silent.  I counted the last five seconds down with gestures, my
heart in my throat...then it was time!

    I kicked the door in and instantly fell into a stance.  "All right,
FREEZE!" I yelled, even before I saw what was in the room.  Aika and Kyo rushed
in behind me, taking up what were mostly likely quite dramatic positions beside
me.

    In the room were two girls eating a pizza.

    "Oh, it's you," one of them said.  She had long, lustrous black hair, and
her companion had slightly wavy blond hair.  There was something odd about
them.  After a moment I realized that they had the same odd aura of confidence
that the girls we saw going into the warehouse earlier did.

    "Stand up and put your hands on your head," I barked, trying to sound
authoritative.  My instincts were telling me there was no way in hell these
girls were going to give up quietly, but I couldn't really shoot them before
they made any hostile moves.

    "We were told about you," the blond one said.  "You killed our associates.
We should probably get rid of you for doing that."  She stared at me like she
had heard of emotion, but hadn't seen any need to bother with it.

    "I'm warning you, give yourselves up or we'll have to use force," I tried
to yell.  These girls were creeping me out.

    "No, we won't," the black-haired one said, standing up.  "You should give
up, for we are the Sailor Shoggoths."  I gave up fighting my adrenaline and
blasted a triple round out as the blue light started up.

    The bullets ripped black-hair in half as Kyo and Aika opened up on blondie.
The light of their transformation seemed to obscure things, but I was sure
there hadn't been any blood.  After a strikingly short time, the blue fields
dropped to reveal the girls in full sailor fuku, totally whole.

    I realized we had a very big problem.  Our bullets were opening holes in
them, but they were closing in seconds.  It was like that gaijin sci-fi movie
about the guy made of metal, only these girls seemed to be made of black jello.
It was time for the deatomizer.

    "Back!" I yelled, diving to the side and reaching for the deatomizer on my
back.  At least, I tried to dive, but black-hair slipped forward faster than I
had ever seen anyone move and punched me in the shoulder.  I spun halfway
around in midair as my shoulder almost dislocated again, and fell to the floor
seeing stars.  Then I heard "Lovely Canister WHUPASS STRIKE!" and a roaring
above me.  I scrabbled on my back for the gun as Kyo and Aika dropped to the
ground next to me.

    Suddenly there was a blast of pressure and heat.  I tried to stay
conscious, but it felt like my body was going to overturn my mind's veto on
that point.  Then the blast faded, and I managed to stay alert and even get the
deatomizer into my hands.

    "What the hell was that?" I yelled into the smoke.  "It felt like a
grenade!"

    "It *was* a grenade," Kyo yelled back.

    I rolled over onto my back and became aware of a pathetic whistling.  As
the smoke cleared, I caught sight of two black puddles smeared on the floor.  I
watched as they shivered and finally stopped moving.

    I looked back at Kyo and Aika.  "Well...that was pretty good teamwork,
ladies," I said, throwing out a thin smile.  Aika smiled back, but Kyo looked
more smug than anything else.  Well, she was entitled.  "Let's go further in,
shall we," I said.  I waited for Kyo and Aika to get back on their feet, then
led the way into the hallway which was the only way out of the room.

    As I walked slowly forward, I reviewed the architectural diagrams in my
mind.  I remembered there being a lot more doors in this hallway, but it looked
pretty blank.  Then I heard a noise from somewhere further down.  I quickly
cocked my deatomizer, and Kyo and Aika took up similar positions behind me.
Soon we realized that the noises were coming from a perpendicular hallway that
met ours in a T-intersection a few meters ahead.

    After a moment, it became clear that the noise was several people running,
and there was also some of that eerie whistling.  Then, suddenly, Itami
appeared from the connecting hall.

    "Itami!" I yelled.  He immediately turned and starting running toward me.
H and Mai soon followed him.  I ran toward him, hearing Kyo and Aika behind me.
Suddenly another magical girl appeared behind Mai.

    Time seemed to slow as my reflexes took over.  I stuck my gun over Itami's
shoulder and fired, praying that H would get out of the way.  Then Itami did
the same thing, firing over my shoulder.  I realized what he was doing and
relaxed so as not to throw his aim off.  I saw H duck out of the way of my
blast, which blewthe head off the blue-haired girl from the stakeout (who was
now wearing a deep blue fuku).  Then I heard Kyo and Aika gasp as Itami's shot
flew by them and exploded somewhere behind us.  I twisted around and saw
blackhair's head turn to blackberry puree.

    "Damn, we're good," I thought, and time speeded up again.

    "Not even the deatomizers work on these shoggoths," Mai yelled.  Itami
whipped around and ran into another hallway coming off of ours.  As H followed
him, I faded back and pulled a grenade from my jacket.  Aika, then Kyo, then
Mai ran after Itami as I pulled the pin with my teeth and threw it after the
two girls in our hallway.  Then I followed the others, and heard the explosion
and more outraged whistling a few seconds later.

    Suddenly I realized what was happening.  We had planned to force our
enemies into the center of the building, but instead we were being herded there
ourselves, like cattle.

    Oh shit, I thought.

    I stumbled into a room which seemed to be a carbon copy of the furnace room
in the day care center.  Altar, runes and circles in blood, and a cultist
looking calmly at us.  All that was missing was the three girls, until the
Sailor Shoggoths appeared behind us, blocking the exit.  I saw that the three
Itami had been dealing with were the three girls we had seen entering the
warehouse earlier.

    "Greetings," the cultist intoned.  Mai and Aika opened up, but their
bullets bounced off an invisible wall in front of him.  "You took us by
surprise at the day care center, with Ramsbottom's little toys.  But now you've
fallen into my trap, and with the help of the Sailor Shoggoths..."

    "Sailor Thn!" blackhair yelled.

    "Sailor Yib!" blondie called.

    "Sailor Orl!" the blue-haired one cried.

    "Sailor Fth!" the one with curly brown hair exclaimed.

    "Sailor Gdo!" the ponytailed one said.

    I swear, this was the part of the job I hated the most.

    "...I, Kotonatta Niro, will destroy you!"  The cultist began waving his
hands and muttering.

    Well, that was number three on the list.  Of course, most important at this
point was surviving.  Aika was firing at Kotonatta and Itami was trying his
sword on the field, but neither was doing much.  Mai and Kyo were desperately
firing at the Shoggoths.  Mai tried to rush them, but the ponytailed one
knocked her back almost contemptuously.  I could use my deatomizer, but the
Shoggoths could heal completely during the ten-second charge time.

    Time seemed to slow down again as I considered my fate.  This might be our
last job.  Maybe we had bitten off more than we could proverbially chew.  If I
didn't get some great last-minute idea, we were definitely finished.

    And then I had one of those strange impulses.  I stuck my hand in my right
coat pocket and pulled out the innocuous-looking device from the bottom of
Ramsbottom's bag, which I had forgotten about.

    A hundred thoughts raced through my head, but I settled on one: how to use
the thing.  It looked kind of like a thin grenade, gripped for throwing, with a
button on one end.  I pressed the button and it started to glow, so I threw it
at Kotonatta.

    The device bounced off the field and clattered on the floor in front of
Itami.  He looked at it, then backed away when it started to glow.  Aika
stopped firing and looked at it.  So did Kyo and Mai.  Kotonatta frowned at it,
and even the Shoggoths were looking curious.

    The glow built to a peak, and suddenly a small beam of light shot out from
it.  The line expanded and then bulged outward, like a tear in space...and then
something stepped through.

    I have no idea what it was, and I'm not going to try to describe it
completely, either.  It was big, though, and stood like a bear.  It had no
face, just a mouth with huge teeth, and its pale skin made me think of things
squirming under a rock.

    We all stared.  The thing roared and swiped at Kotonatta, its claws ripping
through the field.  I instantly fired at him and was rewarded with the sight of
the two halves of his body flying in opposite directions.

    Finally, something was going right.

    Then the Sailor Shoggoths jumped at the thing, and it roared and started
clawing at them.  We all ran the other way, past Kotonatta's remains and down a
short hallway to a door.  I pushed upon the door and stumbled into another
room...

    "Hello," the receptionist said calmly.

    I stood in shock as my companions tumbled into the room behind me.  I
realize I probably should have been more alert, but while all the other
surprises today were merely things I hadn't expected, this wasn't something I
would have believed was possible.  I was looking at an exact replica of the
room we had stormed into when we invaded the day care center...right down to
the magazines and receptionist.  And she didn't even look bruised, which was
really odd considering how hard Itami had hit her to knock her out.

    "Uh..." I started.  Fortunately, Itami seemed to be more on the ball.

    "Where is Reika?" he said, striding up to the desk with his deatomizer
pointed dead at the receptionist.

    "You all have certainly been busy," the receptionist (her name was Ichiko,
I suddenly remembered) said.  "I must commend you on the way you handled
Kotonatta-san and our girls."

    "What the hell..." I tried to say.

    "Where is Reika?" Itami said in the same tone.

    Dimly I was aware of Aika, Kyo and Mai fanning out to cover all the exits
of the room.  "In fact, I think you're too much for us.  That's why I'd like to
surrender.  I can offer you compensation."

    "I didn't think receptionists had much of a salary," Mai sneered.

    "For the last time," Itami intoned, "Where...is...Reika?"

    "Who are you?" I said, getting a sudden hunch.

    The woman looked at me and smiled.  "My name is Reika Ichiko.  A pleasure."

    That stopped us all for a moment.  "You're probably surprised that you were
hired to kill a receptionist," she continued.  "But this is really just a
disguise, and sort of a day job.  I'm really the fourth Necronomicute
researcher, and I can provide you with information you'll be very interested
in, if you just don't kill me."  She smiled pleasantly at us.

    Itami looked back at me.  I wanted to tell him to look at someone else, but
I probably had to make a decision.  I looked back at the door we came through.

    "I can keep the Shoggoths from entering this room, and they can take care
of the shambler," she said.  "You don't need to worry about anything.  You'll
be perfectly safe while we talk."

    Somehow, that didn't make things easier.  I really didn't know what to do;
the shocks had been coming rather fast in the last few minutes.  "What do you
know that we would be interested in?" I asked, hoping to stall for a minute.

    Reika smiled.  "I know some interesting information about Mashihaisha
Ultra-san.  I also know something about your employer, Nigel Ramsbottom.  Quite
an interesting character.  One thing I will tell you for free is that I don't
know what information about Ultra-san he had in mind for paying you, and in
fact it might be something even I don't know.  But I could give you an idea of
their relationship.  If nothing else, I could give you quite a bit of money if
you let me go."

    I have to admit, she was making it harder and harder.  Not only did she
seem to be honest about what she could and could not tell us, but she was also
willing to pay us.  Would our integrity be compromised if we accepted money not
to kill someone?  It would probably be okay if we gave back all the guns and
things, though.  After all, we did kill three of Ramsbottom's four.  Right?

    "How much money are we talking here?"

    "How about three million yen," Reika said.

    Wow.  I wasn't sure how much we would get from selling Ramsbottom's guns if
did complete the contract, but that was probably close.  I looked around at my
companions.  Aika looked like she felt the same way I did, indecisive and
helpless.  Kyo, Mai and H all looked rather disdainful of Reika, but Itami was
looking at me expectantly, like it was my call.

    "...All right, if you can tell us something useful in one minute, we'll
think about not killing you," I finally managed.  I surveyed my companions
again; Aika looked sympathetic, Kyo and Mai peered at me suspiciously, H looked
pissed, but Itami's expression was the facial equivalent of a shrug.  I
wondered again if this was the right thing to do.

    Reika appeared to consider the offer for a moment.  "All right," she said.
"Here's something I know you'll find interesting.  We at Shubby-chan's Happy
Happy Joy Joy Fun Club have often been contracted by Mashihaisha Ultra-san to
perform research."

    Oh shit, I thought.

    Reika stood up and walked over to a door opposite the one we had come in
by.  "We were responsible for the initial work on the Necronomicute, but more
recently we have been involved in a fascinating project involving magical rites
Ultra-san acquired from an unknown source."

    "Oh shit," Mai said.  We all turned; he and Kyo looked downright scared by
this revelation.

    "Behind this door is the culmination of this project...no less than the
raising of the dead!"  She flung the door open before anyone could react.

    The door opened into a room cluttered with stacked boxes.  An aisle between
the boxes extended toward the center of the room, but our view of the center
was blocked by the back of a lean blond man in a black uniform.  I recognized
him immediately as Haikite, Ultra's chief henchman.

    "Are you sure this is a good idea, Master?" he said, staring away from us
into a bright light emanating from the center of the room.

    "I'M JUST AN OLD SOFTIE, I GUESS.  MAYBE SHE'LL LEARN FROM HER EXPERIENCE."

    I couldn't believe it.  Ultra himself, master of screwing us over, was
right there in front of us...and he hadn't even noticed us.  I couldn't decide
whether to praise the gods or run for my life.

    "Well, at least if she doesn't come back, we won't have lost much," Haikite
said, sounding kind of annoyed.

    Then things clicked in my brain again.  Kyo and Mai came back from the
dead, and they had said Ultra had stolen something dangerous from them.  I
looked a question at them.  Mai scowled at me, but Kyo looked down and nodded.

    Oh shit, I thought again.

    "ARISE!" Ultra boomed.  "ARISE, MY SERVANT, TO SERVE AGAIN!"  The light
built to an peak of intensity, and I felt a wave of...something ripple out from
the room in front of us.  "AH...CHILD, YOU DIDN'T OBEY ME BEFORE, BUT I BROUGHT
YOU BACK FOR A SECOND CHANCE.  WILL YOU BEHAVE THIS TIME?"

    Haikite moved out of the aisle, and I felt cold fear stab my heart.

    Floating in the center of the room, surrounded by light, was the dimunitive
form of Captain Kawaii.  She was looking at someone I couldn't see, probably
Ultra.

    "Of course," she said in the voice that sent shivers down my spine.  "I was
in a bad place, and I didn't like it.  But I learned some new games to play
there, too."

    The little freak turned and looked straight at me...and smiled.

    Oh...............................................................shit.

-----

Next, in Magical Girl Hunters Episode 13! (Oooh...spooky!) Yoi goes on a date!
The Finn makes another appearance, along with a shocking surprise guest star!
Plus, laughs abound as our heroes celebrate Christmas and attend the Idol
Achievement Benefit Concert! Or maybe something TOTALLY DIFFERENT HAPPENS!
(Don't ask me, I'm not writing the damn thing.)

Well, I think that went pretty well. Say goodbye, guys.
Cover: Goodbye, guys.
Vedic: Don't make me come over there.
Ki: There sure are a lot of us.
Keikaku: Hey, guys, what's up.
Bandolier: It's too damn crowded in here!

Uh...yeah.
