

I don't think there are any people in this wide, wonderful  world who 
believe being surrounded by youma is a *good* thing.  
There's a reason for that, you see.  Youma have this rather disturbing 
tendency to rip off your arms and crush your spine and inhabit your body, 
and other bits of pleasantness.

There's also a reason, you see, for the existance of Magical Girls.
They kill the youma that kill the humans.  We take that cycle a bit 
further, as we kill the magical girls who kill the youma who kill the 
humans.  In fact, as the horde advances, I can't help but feel this
situation is slightly amusing.   Amusing in a twisted, warped kind 
of way.  After  all, in our own small, not-intentional way, we've 
been making this world a safer place for the little (and not so little)
buggers.  They should probably feel some gratitude for us.

However, I wouldn't want to be the one to explain that to them.  
After all, I *like* having the correct number of limbs.

---------------------------------------------

M A G I C A L  G I R L  H U N T E R S

        Episode 15: "This Just Smacks of Irony" by Chemist Santos

Edited by rabid pixies

Magical Girl Hunters created by Aaron Shattuck

An Improfanfic production

---------------------------------------------

Itami and I have been in some pretty tight spots before - but this
one pretty much took the prize.  While some Magical Girls can get fairly 
nasty with biting and hair-pulling, they lack the extreme pain-inducing
abilities of your average youma.  Well, most magical girls lack that 
ability.  Thinking of Captain Kawaii, I shuddered.

"Um...  This is bad, right?" asked Aika, abrubtly bringing me back
to the present.  Back to the youma, back to the slime and scales and fur
and claws and teeth.  Just lovely.

"What are we going to do?" asked Sailor H.  It took me a moment to 
see that she was looking at me.  H?  Asking me for directions? Bloody hell,
but the encounter with that tentacle...thing must have unhinged her more 
than thought.  Under other conditions, this might have been a sweet moment
to  savor, but frankly I was in a state where I wanted someone else 
to order me around.

It took me a few more moments to realize that in addition to H, 
Itami and Aika were also looking at me in a highly expectant manner.
So was the rest of our jolly group.  Why were they looking at me?  Well,
sure, I always acknowledged that I was more into the business than Itami,
handling clients and information.  Itami was just there to basically kill.
I was much more of a peoples person, though compared to Itami, who isn't?

But just because everyone else in our bunch was on a varying levels
of psychotic insanity, did that automatically make me the leader?  Did
that instantly have me as the all-knowing, all-powerful boss?

Apparently, yes.

"Eh...  Are there any escape routes...?"

Sailor H rolled her eyes, proving that my group did not exactly have 
unshakable faith in their 'fearless leader.'

"Okay, sorry.  Um..."  I tried to concentrate on a way to succeed,
on a way to get these people out alive, but my mind kept going in an odd 
little circle.  We kill Magical Girls, who kill youma, who will kill us,
who kill Magical Girls, who kill youma...

Suddenly, the pieces clicked, as they have a wont to do in life or death 
situations.

"We'll use Aika as bait!"

My company stared at me as if I were insane, which might have been
the case at the moment.   But I always thought a bit of insanity during a
crisis could be something of an asset.  

Aika was the one to catch on first.  "Oh.  You mean, you think 
they'll focus on me just because I'm a Magical Girl?"

"Yep.  When you've been in this business as long as I have, you 
certainly see the way youma gravitate towards those of a magical 
persuasion."  To the blank looks this garnered, I sighed, and said,
"The youma will see Aika.  They'll go after Aika.  Run, Aika, run!" The
group continued to frown at me, though not so much in confusion as in 
suspicion of my sanity.

I could see Kyo and Mai exchanging uneasy looks in the background,
but I didn't have the time to conference with them.  During our little 
chat the youma had been advancing.  Actually, they seemed a bit startled 
to see us here.  They kept looking to one another for guidance and 
snuffling at the dead bodies.  It seemed like they had been expecting 
someone or something else.  However, I didn't expect their shyness to 
last for much longer.  We needed a diversionary tactic.

"Right.  So Aika, first you'll-"

"I think I see my mother," Itami said in a casual sort of way.

I looked over to my usually-silent partner.  "I thought your mother
was dead," I said in my own casual kind of way.

Aika peered over to the horrific group.  "I think that may have 
something to do with why she's with the youma."

I groaned softly.  Really, this was *just* what I needed.  Itami's 
zombified mother.  I could feel my usually cool exterior cracking under
the strain.  "Aika?" I sighed.  "Just go out and distract them."

Aika nodded and began to stretch.  She moved towards the group of monsters,
walking in a curious kind of gait that suggested skipping.  I was looking 
for exits we could make a break for when Kyo tapped my shoulder gently.

She led me a bit apart from the rest of the group, concern on her face.  
"Look Yoi, we can't run."

I stared back at her, and began to get a rather unpleasant sensation 
in the pit of my stomach.  "Why is that?" I asked.

She winced, and involutarily looked over to Mai.  Damn.  I had only
the ghost of an idea, and yet I strongly suspected I knew what was 
going on.

"Look, Kyo, now is the time for you to be honest with me, completely 
on the GAACK!"

Something was cutting off my air supply.  A second later, when my
brain began to notice things other than my own mortality, I chalked 
this up to having a hand around my throat.  This was swiftly removed 
to be replaced with something under my ear, something cold and sharp 
in a nasty kind of way.  

"Make a move and you're a dead man," a feminine voice whispered into 
my ear.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kyo fighting off...two magical girls?
The rest of the group was turning around to see the fight behind them,
but by then, Kyo had already been knocked out cold.

"We achieved our objective," my captor shouted to the other two.  "Let's
go!"  They nodded and ran off, back beyond my line of vision.  I could
hear bullets hitting the ground around us, as my companions ran towards us.

My brain slowly began to catch up to current events.  There was extremely
lethal magical girls who had just crept in behind us, taken me captive and
knocked out Kyo.  While some might be interested on the more philosophical
questions of how they'd gotten in without us seeing them, or why they had
chosen *now* to attack, I was more intrigued by the concept of getting
loose.  Frankly, my captor had a *very* tight grip on me, and the sharp
pressure against my neck was fairly unnerving.

My captor chuckled and said, "Good night, Yoshi."

The sharp and cold instrument at my neck pressed down, piercing my skin.
Almost immediately, I felt the lead-limbed lethargy sweep over me, and I
could only flail back helplessly as the darkness claimed me.

This just hasn't been my day.

-------------------------------------

I awoke in an interrogation chamber.  Somehow, even before I opened 
my eyes,I knew it was an interrogation room, which was especially odd 
considering that once I saw it, I could see it looked nothing like an 
interrogation chamber.  There was some intangible element to the room, 
something that suggested pain and answers and harsh light and thin people 
talking with bad German accents.  Of course, that last might have been the 
result of too many bad American WWII propaganda movies, but occasionally 
I'm seized by a perverse mood...

"So you're finally awake."

How many times is that line used?  The hero is laid cold, and awakens in 
bizarre place (an English-looking parlour hall in my case), and their 
questioner immediately comments on how long they've been out.  Usually 
right before brandishing the whips and hot pokers.

I don't think, though,  it's common practice for the questioner to be 
wearing a skin-tight top with a severely short skirt, knee-high boots and 
disturbingly bouncy bows.  All in neon.  I flinched as soon as my captor 
came into the light.

Other than the costume, though, she looked surprisingly un-Magical Girlish.
Your average defender of the light and destroyer of demons has just 
crested puberty, usually with an impossible body frame and an amazing 
complexion.  Acne and Magical Girls just don't seem to mix very much. Your
usual Magical Girl has the body and face of that annoying high school
cheerleader who was the most popular girl in school and crushed your 
fragile ego many a time you worked up the nerve to ask her out...  Er,
not that it ever happened to me, but I can definitely understand the 
bitterness some people bear to a MG's appearance.

This girl, though...  Take away her uniform, and she'd be your average
college student, or post-grad.  She was still trim, but with a slimmness
suggesting exercise and proper diet more than an impossibly high 
metabolism.  Pretty in a non-artificial manner.  Kinda 
ordinary, actually.

But this was a Magical Girl, and I was prepared to resist any questions or
torture.  Never mind that your typical Magical Girl's concept of torture
was being lightly smacked with one of their wands...  There were a few
who grasped the finer elements of pain, but I was determined that, no 
matter the question, I would be able to withstand it.  I would be prepared
for all their foul blandishments and devices of pain.

"Would you like some tea?"

Okay, so I hadn't really expected that.  "Er... Sure.  Two sugar, no 
cream."

The girl nodded and skipped over to a corner, where tea-making instruments
lay.  For a minute, I contemplated the notion that they might be poisoning
me, or slipping some truth elixer into my drink.  Nah.  Magical Girls 
aren't really that subtle.  Besides, I was thirsty.

There was something cold and hard and entirely solid wrapping me to a 
wide, fairly comfy chair.  I gave up trying to slip free and relaxed 
against the cushions.  Why not make the best of the situation?  Blink. 
Oh God, what good is there in this situation?  The best thing that could
happen to me is if this is all a dream and I'm about to wake up in my 
office, with Itami *thunking* darts against the board.

On further contemplation, I realize that, screw the office, I want to wake
up in a place where the people worship me as a god.  Heck, is that really
too much to ask?  Well, that and a really big harem.  

"You're probably wondering what's going on," the girl commented,
bringing me back to the reality around me.  She turned back to me, spoon
in hand and a unreadable look on her face.

"Well, the question has crossed my mind."

She continued to study me, and with a kind of horror, I realized she was
deciding how much to tell me of my current situation.  Some people might
regard this information as a good thing, but I've found that willing
informants have this amazing ability to leave relevant facts out of their
infomation.  Any information she would give me while I was at her mercy
would probably be worthless.

"So," I said, just to get the ball rolling and put her on the spot, "why 
haven't you guys killed me yet?"

She smiled.  "Because you can be quite useful.  Besides, you perform a 
valuable function for us."

All right, so I was either dreaming or delusional.  There was no way on 
this wide, wonderful world that-

"A Magical Girl praises you for your killings?" The girl grinned at my 
expression.  "Ah, I see there aren't many things you know about your prey."
She frowned, looking down to her boots.  "How long do you think I've been
a Magical Girl?" she asked suddenly.

I shrugged, and she grimaced at her uniform.  "I've been in the group for 
seven years now.  Seven!  How do you think it feels to have some pubescent
twerp screw up our neighborhood?  Magical Girls once restrained themselves
in their mission of mercy.  Now they go after the litterers!"

"I didn't quite realize there was so much...bitterness between you guys,"
I said tactfully after a long, expectant pause.

She snorted and ran her hand through her black hair.  "Now they entrust any
idiot with a wand and a sidekick.  Sickening is what it is."

Much as the agonies faced by the elder members of the Magical Girls 
interested me, I couldn't help going back to one small detail.  "So what's
with this usefulness I seem to possess?"

"It's fairly simple.  You weed out the weak Girls.  It's like in nature.
Survival of the fittest."

I stared at her.  "You mean, you guys approve of my career?"

"Well, I don't know about approve...it's more like we accept it.  You might
have noticed, Yoshi, that there isn't much love and affection for
Magical Girls.  Some tend to be annoying as hell."

I stared at her silently, trying to fit the pieces together.  Was she 
lying?  Telling the truth?  Completely bonkers?  There was no way to tell.

The oh-so-talkative Magical Girl carefully placed the spoon back on the 
table and sighed.  Uh oh.

"Well Yoshi," she said, "that isn't quite the truth.  Some of us think that
you're a necessary evil, better than the darkness that currently threatens
the world.  However, some of us think that you're no better than a demon, 
and you should be slowly and achingly killed."

For the first time, I heard the distant sound of voices.  Voices raised in
anger.  Shrill, feminine voices.

"That's what they're discussing now," the girl said, looking to me.
"Whether to kill you or use you."

And I thought my day had been bad before.


----------------------------------

What will happen to the captive Yoi and his oh-so-talkative companion?
How goes it with Itami, Aika and the rest of Yoi's former group?
What's going on with Kyo and Mai?
What is Itami's mother doing with the youma?
What exactly was the author on when she wrote this lovely little excursion
into the land of jerky plot holes?

All will be answered in next week's episode!  Or maybe not!

----------------------------------

Note: I kept the spelling of Youma (vs. yoma) in order to keep with 
Emmy-chan's chapter.


