   She smiled and leaned in towards me.  Her lips came near mine.  I was still 
definitely unwilling to do anything else, but a kiss didn't sound that bad. 
Just a kiss.  I could close my eyes and pretend I was a man.

   Contact.  My arms went around Aika without me consciously willing them to, 
and our lips met.  Our breasts were pushing against each other, but the 
sensation somehow... wasn't all that bad.  Then she opened her mouth and 
slipped her tongue towards mine.

   All right, but this was definitely as far as it was going to go.  
Definitely.  The kiss got deeper, and she felt warm in my arms.  Finally it 
came to an end, and I pulled away, breathing heavily.  Aika's face was 
flushed, and I'm sure mine was as well. We looked into each other's eyes.

   Then a voice called out. "Aika, what are you doing!"

   Aika's eyes widened, and she looked at something over my shoulder.  She 
shouted, "Daddy!"



Improfanfic presents...


MAGICAL GIRL HUNTERS


An Improfanfic created by Aaron Shattuck.


Episode 28: Guns and Bunnies


Written by NeoPuu



   Aika backed away until she was up against the wall, gaping in horror.  I 
was hoping she'd give me a hand, straighten things out with her dad or 
something, but she just stood there going, "uh... uh... uh..."  If anybody was 
going to get us out of this scrape,  it would have to be me.

   I analyzed the situation: I was stuck as a woman, caught kissing a girl who 
wasn't quite legal, by dear old Papa Aika, to boot.  (Christ, I didn't even 
know her last name.)  He was pretty furious- a nice bright shade of red.  This 
looked like the biggest test yet for the new me.

   New Yoi got the fuck outta Dodge.  I don't mean that in the metaphorical,
figurative sense.  What I mean is, I hauled ass and got out of there fast-
out of the parking lot, through some narrow alleys, and into another section 
of town.  It's a good thing he was too shocked to do anything except stand 
there.  Doubly good that he didn't have a shotgun- I didn't have anything 
except a knife at the time myself- uh, not that I would've liked a shootout 
with Aika's dad, either.

   I felt kind of bad about leaving Aika in the lurch like that, but it
wouldn't have helped her any, staying there and confronting her dad.  I mean, 
what could I do, go home and have dinner with her parents?  Yeah, I could see 
it now...

   "So, Mr. Kurasaka, I understand you're interested in my daughter.  What do
you do for a living?"

   "I kill magical girls for money.  Uh, not that I'm interested in your 
daughter for that reason.  I'm not a pedophile either, really.  Actually, I 
kill pedophiles occasionally in my line of work, upstanding citizen that I 
am..."

   Yeah, right.  The best thing I could do, for Aika, and for myself, was to 
stay the hell out of the way.  I felt a little guilty about leaving Aika alone
like that, though, all alone with her dad.  She was probably in for one hell
of a grounding.

   I called Itami to let him know I'd just screwed up royally, then went back
to my apartment.  It was too dangerous to go back to the office just yet.  I'd
rather take on a gaggle of magical girls than face Aika's dad.

   I got a whispered call from her the next day- turned out that she told her 
dad a strange woman came up and grabbed her while she was heading back from 
school.  Since I was between Aika and her dad, he didn't get a close look at 
what she was doing during the kiss, so the story wasn't completely 
implausible.  That and her dad, like all parents, didn't want to believe that 
his sweet little daughter would be doing something that naughty.  

   So Aika was off the hook, although I was in a hell of a lot more trouble
than I would be if I'd stayed behind- now he thought I was a kidnapper or 
something.  I fervently hoped that he didn't have a description to give to the
police- yet another reason why I wanted to become male again.

   Aika couldn't drop by the office anytime soon- her parents were keeping a 
close eye on her, so she'd have to lay low for awhile.  They were afraid 
another stranger would come snatch her away, so they put her on curfew.  Of 
course, when we first met Aika, they didn't have a problem with her becoming a 
magical girl and fighting off the forces of darkness, or whatever.  Go figure.
 

   After everything we'd been through, I figured it was time for a break.
Just the two of us, out for a night on the town, no girls, no clients, no 
hassles.  I picked up Itami at his place, and we walked into the center of 
town, looking for some action.  Bars were definitely out- I didn't need some
drunken idiot making a pass at me.  

   Movies were also out of the question.  The latest movie to hit the streets 
was the "Magical Love Love Mystery Tour", another one of those silly magical 
girl movies where the heroines face a new danger, sort of like all the other 
dangers, just more powerful.  Then they get beat down for a while, until they 
rediscover the magic of teamwork, and defeat the bad guy, who decides that 
hey, maybe being good isn't so hard after all, and they all become friends.  
Whoop-dee-damn-doo.  I didn't need a reminder of work right now, and I didn't 
need the hassle of sitting in a crowd of squealing prepubescent girls.  I also
didn't think that kind of movie was very realistic.  In real life, a magical
girl's big new foe was usually us, and 99.9 percent of the time, she wound up 
with an unhappy ending.

   So there we were, walking down main street on a Friday night without the 
slightest idea of where to go.  We passed an adult bookstore, a pawn shop, an 
arcade, and finally we came to a theater where a magic show was currently
playing.  "The Astounding Harumi's Magic Show!  Great times and fun for the 
whole family!" the sign said.  I wasn't too impressed, but Itami wanted to 
check it out.  Of course he didn't say as much, he just sort of walked a 
little slower as we passed the theater.

   "C'mon Itami, let's have a look."

   The theater was a classy affair- well-lit, comfy seats, climate controlled.
We grabbed two seats near the back, so as not to attract too much attention.
Given as how most of the audience was dressed up for the show, our trenchcoats
got a few stares.  Itami stared right back, which put an end to all the funny
looks.

   The performing magician wasn't quite what we suspected.  First, it was a 
girl, in her mid-teens, I'd say.  Another thing was, she didn't have an 
assistant, although with the high-cut swimsuit-like bottom she wore, she could 
pass for her own, not that I noticed, of course.  A top hat, the upper half of 
a tuxedo, and a cape completed her outfit.

   The lights dimmed, and everyone settled down to watch the show.  

   The girl bowed.  "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to 
perform amazing feats of magic for you tonight!  Prepare to be astounded!"

   The magic tricks were pretty standard- birds flying around, handkerchiefs, 
sleight of hand, card tricks, the works.  Her escape from a piranha tank while 
handcuffed, chained up, and straightjacketed was pretty good, though.  I was 
nodding off by the time she got to the disappearing act.  That's when things
picked up.

   "May I please have a volunteer for my next trick?" she asked.

   She scanned the crowd, looking for an eager audience member to help her 
out.  When she got to Itami, a flicker of emotion passed over her face, then 
vanished. 

   "Ah, that gentleman over there looks like he wants to help!"

   The girl marched up the aisle, made her way over to us, pinched Itami on
the cheek, and bodily dragged him down to the stage.  Itami let out a grunt
as he left his seat.  Funny, I never thought he'd be the volunteering type.

   She got back up on stage, still dragging Itami behind her, stopping next 
to a big black cabinet.  I'd heard of this trick before- the assistant gets
in the box, the magician does some mumbo jumbo, opens the box, and the person
is gone.  Hurray.

   The girl held up Itami's hand and waved to the crowd with it.

   "Let's have a big hand for Mister..."

   "uh, what's your name?" she stage-whispered.

   Itami said nothing, just stood there staring into space, his usual
non-cooperative self.

   "...Mister... Sunshine!"  The audience laughed and applauded heartily.  
That got a glare out of Itami.

   The girl pushed him into the box with a big shove, slammed it shut, spun 
it around a few times, and waved her magic wand.

   "Magic Box, make Mister Sunshine go to a happy place!" she cried.

   Ugh.  I wanted to go back to my happy place- the office, or my apartment.
Anywhere but here.

   Sure enough, when she opened the box again, it was empty.  The crowd
applauded warmly.  I waited for her to bring Itami back, but she just moved
on to the next trick.  Great.  I was hoping to grab Itami and blow this boring
joint, but now I'd have to wait until he came out of hiding.  If our positions
were reversed, I'd pop out of whatever stupid secret compartment I was in, 
even if it meant ruining the trick, but Itami would probably just sit there
until something happened.

   I went for a stroll outside to clear my head and wait for the show to end.
Sure enough, a half hour later, people started filing out of the theater.  
After it completely emptied out, I went back inside.  The girl magician was
still up on stage, cleaning up her props.  I walked up to her and tapped her 
on the shoulder.

   "Excuse me miss, can I have my friend back now?" I said.  "It's getting
late, I wanna go home."

   She turned around, and after a few seconds, she recognized me from the 
show.  A look of intense sadness crept over her face, the kind of look that 
said, "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you, your wife walked out on you, you lost 
your job, your dog died, you only have six months to live, and you're ugly 
too."

   "I'm sorry ma'am," she said, clasping my hands.  "Your date can't go home 
with you.  The man's a cold-blooded killer.  He's been lying to you all this
time..."

   Date?  What the hell?  Aww shit, I'd managed to forget I was a woman for
a little while, and now someone had to go and remind me in the worst possible
way.  The thought of Itami and I as a couple was enough to make me toss my
cookies.  Wait... she said something else- she knew who Itami was?

   "Yeah, so?" I replied.  It wasn't the brightest thing to say, but I was too 
pissed off about the date comment to care.

   The girl looked at me like I was the devil in a trenchcoat, suddenly 
suspicious.  She backed away a few steps, then reached into a pocket, feeling
around.  At the same time, I felt something poking around in my own pockets.
Then she pulled out a wallet.  Hey, that was my wallet!

   "Gimme my wallet back, you little thief!"  I grabbed for my wallet, but she 
skipped away, poking through the contents.  Finally, she stopped running 
around long enough for me to grab my wallet back.  Then she just stood there,
staring at me in horror, like I was some kind of sideshow freak.

   "It's you..." she whispered.  "The other killer..."

   That's when it hit me.  How she recognized Itami, why she chose him as an
assistant, how she managed to get him out of his seat, why he didn't come 
back.  It was obvious now, but I didn't think of it earlier; she didn't give 
off any of the usual signs...

   I pulled my new .22 out of my ankle holster.  The first shot missed her by 
a mile, not because my aim was off, but because she leapt away with a jump 
that could shatter an Olympic record.  She was already in magical girl form.  
Damn, and I was hoping she'd go through her transformation sequence, giving me 
enough time to yawn, look at my watch, light a cigarette, scratch myself, and 
shoot her.  No dice.

   I got her in my sights again, and shot her right between the eyes.  Or 
tried to.  There was a big puff of pink smoke, and when I could see clearly 
again, she was gone.  Smoke?  Aww, no.  All those cute tricks she did during
the show weren't tricks, they were real, including her smoke disappearing
trick.  She was, well... a magical magical girl.

   The stage was empty, so I thought maybe she'd hightailed it out of there.
Then I heard a high-pitched laugh coming from somewhere in the audience.  She 
was perched on the edge of the balcony, glaring down at me.  

   "I've been waiting a long time for this, killer!" she howled.  "Waiting to 
avenge the death of my team leader!  Even a sex change isn't enough for you to 
hide from my righteous wrath!"

   Sex change?  "Hey, wait a minute..."

   "No!  The Shinjuku Petting Zoo Custodians demand vengeance!  They will not 
wait for anyone, least of all you!"

   Shinjuku... Petting... uh...  She obviously thought we'd killed her 
comrade- not that surprising, considering our line of work.  Still, I couldn't 
recall killing anyone belonging to a team with that name, and believe me, I 
would've remembered something that stupid.  I don't think she was in the mood 
to debate that though, so I replied with some witty flying lead.

   She jumped down from the ledge, dodging a stream of bullets, alighting on
two feet.  Remember how I wished for a transformation sequence?  Big mistake.
She didn't transform exactly, she just threw off her cape, then she took off
her top hat, which had stayed on her head for the whole show, revealing... a 
pair of fake rabbit ears.  At least I hoped they were fake.  Either way, she
just earned herself a quick painful death.

   "Prepare to meet your doom at the hands of Fluffy Wonder Bunny, you 
murderer!" she screeched.

   Okay, a long, drawn-out, painful death.  

   I fired again, but she just disappeared in another puff of smoke.  This 
kept up for a while, sort of like a three-dimensional game of whack-a-mole,
except the mole whacked back.  I'd fire my gun.  She'd disappear, reappear, 
and counter with one of her ridiculous attacks.  It was a tough game.  I was 
more accustomed to the kind of fuku'ed target that would hold still long 
enough for me to give her a hollowpoint present.  To try and distract her, I 
asked her a few questions while we played our deadly little game.

   "Why do you think it was us?  I've never seen you before in my life," I 
said, lining her up in my sights.  She vanished as I pulled the trigger and 
reappeared off to my right.

   "Don't play innocent with me!" she yelled.  "I remember that day very well!
We were..." 

   *blam*

   Damn, missed her by that much.  She reappeared, this time off to my left.

   "We were on patrol looking for the Phantom Animal Catcher and split up to 
look for it.  I heard a scream, and when I got back..."

   *blam*

   Now she was in the front row of seats.

   "...when I got there, Miko Meow Meow was dead!  I found these lying next to 
the body." 

   She tossed something at me, which I instinctively dodged.  It turned out to
be two scraps of cardboard, with our pictures taped to them (mine was from 
when I was still male) and the names "Yoi Kurasaka" and "Itami Daikoku" 
hastily scribbled on the front.  I figured these were supposed to be IDs, 
although anyone with half a brain could see they were fake.  Then again, I was 
dealing with someone with a magically "enhanced" brain.  I punctuated that
little thought with another burst of gunfire in Fluffy Wonder Bunny's general 
direction.

   By that time, she had finished her little vengeance rant and had gone on 
the offensive.  I really, really could've used Itami's help right about then.

   "WILD CARDS!"

   I dove to the floor as she fired off a stream of razor-sharp playing cards
like shuriken, swearing as one of the damn things nicked me in the shoulder,
giving me a nasty cut and ruining a perfectly good trenchcoat.  I got one shot 
off before I had to roll out of the way to avoid being cut to ribbons by her 
next hand.

   She wasn't done yet, not by a long shot.  As I popped in a fresh clip, she
threw up her hands, spun around, and shouted one of the stupidest attack 
phrases I've ever heard, which is saying a lot.

   "PIGEON TORNADO!"

   A flock of pigeons flew out of her shirt sleeves, circling around her once
before dive-bombing me and pecking my head repeatedly.  I was half-blinded by
all the sharp beaks and feathers flying around, so I almost walked right into
an energy blast.  Next time I go to the park, I'm going to poison some of 
those fucking flying rat bastards.

   Ever try shooting down a dozen pigeons while trying not to get taken out
by a magical girl's zap attacks?  I can honestly say I have, and it wasn't 
fun.  Fortunately, I managed to take shelter behind one of her props, a glass
windowpane, which the stupid birds smacked into, cracking their little skulls.
I took a few seconds to laugh about it, until a blast broke the window, 
showering me with glass.

   Could things possibly get any worse than this?

   Eventually, she ran out of cutesy attacks and went with the old Magical
Girl standard: firing off neon pink blasts of screaming hot death from her 
magic wand, the only difference being that her wand was a magician's wand, not 
the usual sceptre or flashlight-sized mockup.  Still, I was familiar enough 
with the situation to fall into my usual routine- running around, squeezing 
off the occasional shot, and thinking "Oh..... shit..." over and over.

   Despite all the lethal cute energy flying around, I had everything under 
control... until she pulled the rabbit out of her hat.  It wasn't an ordinary
white rabbit, oh no, it had to be teal.  She let it drop to the ground, where
it scampered off into the seating area, presumably to sneak up and bite me on 
the ass while I wasn't looking.  Not a bad plan, considering it was all I 
could do to keep my bacon from being fried.

   I ducked down behind some chairs as another blast of pink energy tore 
through the space I was previously occupying, incinerating a chair and filling
the air with the smell of burning upholstery.  We kept up this game of cat-and-
mouse (or cat-and-bunny) for what seemed like hours.  I was starting to run 
low on ammo though, so something was going to have to give eventually.

   Maybe all the pink smoke got me disoriented or something.  I fired off two
shots (which she naturally teleported away from).  There was an audible *POOF*
from behind me.  Damn, she was a lot smarter than my usual prey.

   I spun around, already firing, but she was way ahead of me.  The blast tore
my gun out of my hand, sending it flying, and knocked me on my back.  She
walked up to me, smiling wickedly, and waved bye-bye.  "This is it, Yoi," I 
thought.  "You're royally fucked now."

   That's when I heard a scrabbling noise behind me.  Gambling on instinct, I 
lunged for a spot behind me and came up with a fistful of bunny.

   "One false move and the bunny gets it!" I threatened.  Ugh, that was not 
one of my better lines.  We both took a second to mull that one over, then she
glared at me.

   "Put... the bunny... down," she whispered menacingly, or as menacingly as a 
teenaged girl with bunny ears can get.

   She made no move to attack, though.  I wondered why she hadn't blasted me 
to kingdom come, then I realized she was afraid of hitting her mascot by 
mistake.  "Aww, how sweet, she doesn't want to hurt her widdle friend," I 
thought.  I was hoping the bunny would help me out by pleading for its life in 
a screechingly annoying voice, but it remained strangely silent.  The one time 
you actually want the damn things to talk, they clam up on you.  Oh well, 
guess I'd have to make do.

   "You wouldn't want to hurt your special, special friend, would you, Bunny?"
I squeaked in my best mascot voice, keeping a firm grip on its head and 
moving it forward like a talking sock puppet.

   Fluffy Wonder Bunny turned purple with rage, but stayed perfectly still,
waiting.  After a couple of tense moments, I realized, hey, what the hell am
I doing holding a bunny when I've got a perfectly good gun lying around?

   I wound up like a baseball pitcher and threw the floppy-eared bastard at
her, diving for my gun.  It collided with her face with a satisfying smack. 
I reached my gun at the same time she recovered from her rabbit facial, so we
fired simultaneously.  My shot tore through her shoulder, causing her to drop
her wand.  Hers hit me in the big toe, making me drop my gun, again!  One of
these days, I'm going to have to tape it to my hand.

   "Stop him, Bun-chan!" she yelled, limping toward the stage exit. 

   Bun-chan?

   I could've gone after her first and finished her off, but she was injured,
so she wouldn't get very far.  Besides, if you can't make the time to whack a 
fuzzy mascot, you just aren't living life to the fullest.

   I picked up my gun and turned around, but it was gone.  Then I spotted it
up on stage, pawing at a bag of white powder, trying to knock it off a table.
I strolled up and took aim just as it succeeded, the bag landing on it and 
coating it with dust.  To my horror, the bunny started growing, like something 
out of a monster movie.  Ohhhhhhhhh... shiiiiiiit...

                                    ***

   I fired at point-blank range, but the bullets just bounced off.  By the 
time it was finished growing, I was looking at a six-foot tall, bullet-proof 
bunny from hell, with cute two-inch fangs.  I couldn't really call it Bun-chan
anymore.  "Bunzilla" seemed more appropriate.

   I always wondered why the evil powers from beyond time and space took the 
forms that they did.  Evil isn't tentacles and dripping ichor.  Evil is floppy
ears and a twitchy twitchy nose.

   The floppy-eared, beady-eyed, freak of nature charged with a roar and 
rammed me, sending me flying.  Bullets were useless against it, so I got up 
and punched it in the nose.

   "Owwww!  Damn, that hurts!" 

   I hopped around, holding my swollen fist, until the creature took a swipe 
at me with one furry rabbit paw.  Since I couldn't hurt it with anything I had 
on me, I figured the best thing to do would be to put some space between me 
and it until I could find something that would do the trick.  

   Getting away from it was harder than I thought.  Who would've figured a 
giant bunny could hop faster than a man (or woman) could run?  I managed to 
get on the opposite side of a table from the killer bunny, and we chased each 
other round and round (well it chased, I just ran for my life) until it got 
tired of playing tag and simply smashed through it.  Bunzilla grabbed me in a 
bear hug and squeezed me so hard, I was gasping for breath.

   The sheer weight of its body pushed me back.  I couldn't break out of its
grip, and I couldn't go forward, so I settled for letting it push me around.
Around and around we went, doing a kind of demented tango.  I felt myself 
backing up a step ladder, then back onto level ground.  Finally, the freaking
bunny fell on top of me, pinning me to the ground.  That's when I heard the
splashing sound.

   Splashing?  Water?  "But there's no water in here..." I thought.  "oh no... 
the piranha tank, I forgot all about it."  So there I was, being strangled to 
death by a giant killer bunny, on the edge of a piranha tank.  Great way to 
spend a quiet Friday evening, don'tcha think?

   Despite my impending death, I couldn't help but think of a cheerful tune.

   "o/Death is very, very bad...  We should live instead...o/"

   I had two options: let the bunny strangle me to death, or fall into the 
water and let the piranhas chew me to pieces, neither of which I liked, so I
made a third option.  Using a strength that comes from knowing you're about to
die in an extremely embarassing way, I kicked Bunzilla  and into the
tank.  He sank to the bottom with a very satisfying sound.   

   I got up and brushed myself off.

   "Bedtime for Bunzilla."  I chuckled quietly over that one.  Damn, it's a 
lot funnier though when the mascot's owner is watching.  Which reminded me...

   *SPLOOSH*

   Argh!  I should've known better.  Anything that can shrug off a bullet 
wouldn't mind a few piranhas chewing on its hide.  Bunzilla bobbed to the
surface, trying to tread water and claw at me at the same time.  That gave me
an idea...

   I grabbed the nearest thing I could find, a microphone stand, and pushed
the floppy-eared monster's head below the water.  This time, I didn't let up
until the bubbles stopped coming to the surface, and even then, I poked the
submerged body a few times just to make sure.

   Good, all taken care of.  Now I had to catch up to that girl and get her
to tell me where Itami was.  I lost track of time while I was busy getting
mauled by her mascot.  Maybe Itami was already... I didn't want to think about
it.

   Fortunately, Fluffy Wonder Bunny left a convenient trail of blood to 
follow, a result of her shoulder wound.  I followed it through the maze of
curtains backstage until I came to another room- a prop room form the looks of
it.  There she was, facing away from me, leaning against a post.

   "All right, playtime's over.  Where's Itami?" I asked, waving my gun. 

   No response.

   "Your bunny friend's taking a dirt nap, so don't expect anyone to bail you
out."  Then again, she could've been one of those kamen-protected girls.  I
didn't want to give her time to stall.  "Now where the hell did you put 
Itami?"

   Still nothing.    

   Then she toppled over, eyes wide and staring, with blood leaking from a 
hole in her forehead.  Not a bad thing in itself, except I didn't shoot her 
there.  When I heard a sinister chuckle behind me, I swung around and leveled 
my gun.

   "Who's there?"  

   More laughter.  It was really starting to get on my nerves.  Then somebody 
stepped out of the shadows, leaning backwards slightly so that the legs
emerged first, followed by the torso, and lastly, the head.  Whoever this 
joker was, he was trying to make a dramatic entrance, like the way people do
in the movies.  When he emerged fully (and he took his sweet time doing it 
too) I gave him a quick once-over.  Long, black hair flowing over his 
shoulders, delicate pretty-boy features, the kind that make teenage girls 
squeal in that shrill, ear-splitting way they do, a shirt, coat, and slacks, 
and most notably, a .45.

   "You're too late," he said, smugness creeping into his voice.

   "Huh?"  I didn't have any idea what the hell the guy was talking about.

   He waved his gun at the body.

   "The girl.  I've stolen her from you."

   Uh, yeah.  "Who the hell are you?"  Not the nicest way to introduce myself,
but I was in a hurry and not in the mood for idle chatter.

   "My name is Sato Matsumoto.  I'm your replacement, Yoi Kurasaka."

   "My replacement?  Look buddy, I'm not a tv repairman.  I kill magical girls
for a living.  I don't have a replacement."

   "That's where you're wrong, Yoi."  He strolled over to the corpse, trying 
real hard to look nonchalant.  I think the excited bounce in his footsteps 
spoiled the effect, though.

   "I've been watching you and your partner for some time now.  You used to be
good Yoi, but now you've grown soft and weak.  I think it's time you stepped
aside in favor of a fresher, more capable hunter."

   "Like you, for instance," I said.  I think I saw where he was coming from
now.

   "That's right."  He made a sweeping gesture in the general direction of the
body.  "And as proof of my intent, I've deprived you of your kill."

   "You killed an unarmed, wounded kid.  Yippee," I said in my best sarcastic 
voice, applauding by slapping three fingers against the side of my palm.  I 
guess it struck a nerve, because he turned beet red and dropped the "cooler 
than thou" act.

   "Very well, Yoi, if it's proof you want, it's proof you'll get."  Then he
turned around and stomped off the set.

   Jesus, give a man a gun and he thinks he's a professional.  I guess the 
glut of magical girls had every loser wannabe thinking he could go into the 
business.  With all the self-styled assassins coming out of the woodwork these
days, maybe Itami and I could go into business as Magical Girl Hunter 
hunters... nah.

   At least he was gone.  Now that I was alone (not counting the rotting 
corpse), I could get down to the business of finding Itami.  A quick search of
all the trunks and cabinets turned up nothing.  I was about to give up and 
try another room when I heard a thumping sound coming from a wall locker.  I
popped it open, and sure enough, there he was, Mr. Sunshine himself, wearing
a cute pastel green gag and tied up with flower-print handkerchiefs.  I 
breathed a sigh of relief.  Still, I couldn't resist teasing him.

   "Found your happy place, Itami?"

   We shared a chuckle (well actually, he just glared), and I untied him.  We
got out of there fast, not wanting to have to explain the mess to the cleaning 
staff.  I figured after all the excitement, we could use a breath of fresh 
air, so we took a shortcut through a park on the way home.  During our walk, I
explained everything that happened while he was out of action- the girl, the
bunny, the wannabe assassin.

   In retrospect, cutting through the park wasn't the greatest idea.  Parks 
are magnets for youma and other evil creatures, not to mention the magical
girls that hunt them down.  We were halfway across the park when it happened.

   There, posing on top of a statue, was the one person I'd been hoping to
avoid ever seeing again.  

   Princess Love.

   Well, one of the people.  Actually, the list was getting longer every 
day...

   I had a little trouble recognizing her at first- she'd gone and traded in
her old outfit for prison stripes, right down to the black-and-white striped
fuku.  A ball and chain manacled to her ankle completed the outfit- a fashion
accessory, or something else?  I was wondering exactly what the hell prompted
this atrocious new look, when she leapt off the statue and began to sing.

   "o/Whyyyyyyyy... iiiiiiiiis... everyone so mean?o/"
   "o/Don't they know that crabbiness is not for human beings?o/"

   It was a magical girl's twisted take on jailhouse blues, and by that I mean
the kind of caterwauling that would get you thrown in jail.  I was going to
put the finishing touches on her song, preferably a nice big GURK! for the big
finale, but Itami shook his head.  Seemed like he wanted to hear her out.

   When she finished her abominable little ditty, as if that wasn't enough, 
she launched into a little mini-tirade.

   "I am Criminal Princess Love!  I'll forgive crimes of love, but not crimes
of hate!  I believe in a higher justice, the justice of the heart!"

   She pointed a finger at me and yelled, "Yoi Kurasaka!"  Then she blinked.

   "Where's Yoi?"  

   I guess I could've played innocent and hid behind Itami or something, but
she would've harassed him instead, and he'd already had enough torment for one 
night.

   "Right over here."

   She blinked again.  "But..."

   "Yeah yeah, I'm a woman.  Long story.  Lotta details.  So, what do you 
want?"

   "I've got the money, Yoi!"  She held up a big sack, bulging with cash,
presumably pulled out of whatever space magical girls kept their stuff in.  

   "I had to bust out of jail to get here, but it was worth the effort!  Now 
go kill those evil bitches so Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen and I can be 
reunited!"  She sighed, eyes filling with pink hearts.

   Now I'm not one to turn down a big wad of money, but there was no way in 
hell I was going to take on five virtually unkillable monster girls to get it.
A grunt from Itami confirmed his thoughts on the subject.  

   I was racking my brain for a way to get Princess Love off our backs, when
I noticed a rustling in the bushes.  I caught a glimpse of long black hair- it
was that Sato guy from earlier.  He was probably looking to rack up a few 
kills to boost his sorry reputation.  I wasn't too fond of Princess Love, but
I didn't want this two-bit assassin to get a free kill either.  That's when 
a really evil idea hit me.

   I cleared my throat and used what I hoped was my best noble speech voice.

   "Princess Love!  Your quest for True Love may fail without wisdom, and 
knowledge, and... other stuff!  Mere guns and grenades cannot bring you that
which you most desire!"

   "That man over there," I so helpfully pointed out, "...holds the key to 
defeating your enemy!"  Perfect.

   She lashed out with her ball and chain, the latter wrapping around Sato's
neck and the former smacking him upside the head.  While the poor fool lay 
dazed, she dragged him out into the open.

   Time for the clincher.  

   "But first, in order to get him to reveal his mystical... uh, info, you 
must heal his evil heart with your music.  Sing, Princess Love!  Sing like 
you've never sung before!  Oh yeah, and don't forget the yummy light."

   While Princess Love was preoccupied with Sato, Itami and I made our escape.
As I glanced over my shoulder, I caught a glimpse of Criminal Princess Love
taking out her Magical Microphone and the utter look of despair on Sato's 
face.  


   After our narrow escape from the clutches of cute, Itami and I went our 
seperate ways.  The next day, it was business as usual.  We agreed that the
best way to deal with all the recent craziness was to go about our normal 
routine- we tried the "relaxation" bit, and you know how that turned out.  
After last night's insanity, I didn't mind the tedium all that much.  We were
sitting around, waiting for something to happen, when the phone rang.  

   Veracity, or Vera, as we'd taken to calling her, picked up the phone.  She 
said "yes" a few times, in that musical tone of hers, then hung up.

   "Who was that?" I asked.

   "A client is coming over, Kurasaka-san."

   "When's he coming over?"

   "Right now."

   Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door.  Our 
prospective client was a balding little man with a nervous facial tick.  He 
was pretty agitated, so much so that his hands shook when he picked up the cup
of coffee I offered him.  Seeing as how he didn't seem to be the type of guy
who would strike up a casual conversation with a hired killer, I got right 
down to business.  

   "So, Mister..." I prompted.

   "Serl.  J. Serl."

   "Right, Mr. Serl.  I hear you have a... problem you'd like us to take care
of."

   He shuffled his feet indecisively.  "There's this girl... she runs the 
Happy Tree Learning Center for Gifted Children.  I think it would be for the
best if she... stopped working."

   "Any particular reason, Mr. Serl?"  I had to ask- we'd been set up way too
many times to take our clients at face value.

   He struggled to get the words out.  "She's... she's dangerous..."

   That was it?  I waited, but he didn't say anything more, he just sat there 
and shook.  Hmm, I guess he didn't want to talk about it.  We weren't hard up 
for money right now, so if he couldn't even be bothered to come up with a 
reason...

   I got up and opened the door for him.  "Well that's nice, but aren't they 
all?  Since you're not really sure if you want to go through with this or not,
maybe you could use a couple of days to think it over," I said, putting my 
hand on his back and guiding him over to the door.

   "W... w... wait!" he stuttered.  "P... please, hear me out."

   He took a deep breath.  "I used to work there, you see.  You can't imagine
the unspeakable horror that goes on there.  She... she..."  He was trying to
get the words out, but he couldn't quite finish, like he was choking on his 
own sentences.  I couldn't help feeling sorry for the poor guy.  What could 
hurt a man so badly that he couldn't give a name to his nightmare?  Was he 
afraid of pastel colors and cute fuzzy familiars?

   He grabbed my wrist like a lifeline.  "Please!  I'll pay anything!  Double!
Triple!  Upfront!  For the love of god, somebody's got to stop her!"  He was
crying now, wracked by pitiful sobs.

   I held a quick conference with Itami in the corner.

   "He needs help," Itami mumbled.

   "Tell me about it!" I replied.  "He should've stopped by the funny farm 
first."

   "I mean he needs _our_ help."

   "You really think so?"

   Itami nodded.

   "Look, Itami, I know you're itching to get back into action, but we don't
have to take every client that comes down the pike.  This guy just doesn't 
seem right in the head."

   "Ootaki."

   I twitched.

   "Sato."

   "Stop that."

   "They want our jobs," he shrugged.

   He was right.  If we wanted to remain the number one magical girl killers,
we couldn't hand over all our clients to those punks.  That settled it.  We 
nodded in unison. 

   I patted our client on the back.  "Sir, you've got yourself a deal."

   He wept again, tears of joy this time, and popped open his briefcase.  
There was a thin manila folder- the rest of the space was taken up by cash- 
lots of it.  He shoveled out the money like a train engineer stoking the
furnace.  Wow, it looked like he came prepared to offer triple, maybe more.

   As he turned to leave, I clapped him on the back.  

   "Don't you worry, Mr. Serl.  You watch and see, we'll get your girl."

   That little reassurance sent him into a frenzy of hysterical giggles.  
Sheesh, maybe we should start giving our clients sanity tests.

                                    ***

   According to our client's documents, our mark was a twelve year-old with
short, curly brown hair.  She was unusual in several respects.  First, she had
an actual job- teaching pre-schoolers how to read, write- the basics.  Now, 
most magical girls have the IQ of a rotting post (except for the super brainy 
ones, who usually only show up on teams), and even a normal twelve-year old 
girl wouldn't be capable of teaching toddlers, so that aroused my suspicions 
right away.  I tentatively marked her down under the "super genius" category 
on my mental checklist.

   Second, teaching was the only thing she did- no fighting youma, no chasing
evildoers around, no saving the world.  I couldn't think of another instance
of a magical girl doing something so mundane- even the weakest and cheesiest
ones had some noble cause of justice to devote themselves to.  Hell, this girl
didn't even have a seperate home- she lived at the school full-time.  
Ordinarily, we liked to track our victims to a secluded spot and finish them
off, but that wouldn't work here.  We'd have to fight her at the school- after
the kids got out of class, of course.

   There wasn't much else in her file.  Serl's writing turned into gibberish
once he got to the section on powers and abilities.  Ditto for the name. 
Damn, even his handwriting stuttered.  Hopefully, we could gather more 
information from scoping the place out.

   H was out of touch- doing god knows what, although my guess was it involved 
killing magical girls by the dozen.  Aika couldn't make it for obvious 
reasons.  That left Itami and I- more than a match for any one magical girl.  
Uh, right.

   I was tempted to bring along some of the gadgets we stole from the mad 
scientist, but I couldn't begin to imagine what some of them did.  I didn't
want to vaporize myself just because I was pointing a weapon the wrong way.

   Visits to the new Finn was out of the question.  I didn't trust anyone who
couldn't keep his own hardware under control.  Itami's new sword stayed behind
too- I'd had it up to here with mystical swords.  Maybe we could get Keikaku 
to id... hmm, maybe not.

   We amused ourselves by divving up the weapons- the usual assortment of 
knives, guns, and grenades.

   "One for me, one for you...  One for me, one for you...  You ready, 
partner?"

   "Yeah."

   "C'mon, Itami.  Let's go make some fluffy noise."

   
   We set up shop on the rooftop of the building across the street from the
school with our telephoto lens.  From there, we had a pretty good view of the 
classroom- it was a one-room schoolhouse, so we knew where she was going to 
be.  We watched the kids file in and sit down at their desks.  They were 
awfully well-behaved for toddlers.  After all the kids arrived, we got our 
first good look at the girl.

   She was wearing a neon orange graduation cap and gown, or half a gown- the
other half was a, you guessed it, fuku.  A pair of horn-rimmed glasses hung on
her face, which had the same stern look you'd expect from a middle-aged
schoolmarm.  It brought back some horrible memories of- uh, never mind.

   After a couple hours of watching, we had a much better idea of what the 
school was really like.  I thought it was a preschool, but the kind of things
she was making the kids do would've floored us in school, I mean, _high_ 
_school_.  Not that we were good students or anything, but we managed to 
graduate.  Anyway, she had those kids slaving away like they were in an
information sweatshop.  I thought the big pastel computers were particularly
nasty.

   As we watched her scribble on the chalkboard and wave her pointer, I 
couldn't help but feel repulsed.  All these kids were dumped here by their 
ambitious parents, hoping to get an edge on the competition.  Competition!  
These kids could barely walk, and they were expected to sit in class all day, 
taking tests and cramming for what, kindergarden entrance  exams?  They were 
no more ready for cram school than the teenage (and sometimes prepubescent) 
magical girls were to fight for justice.

   I was scratching my head wondering how a girl like that managed to get what
would normally be a room full of screaming, rambunctious hyperactive kids to
sit still and behave, when I got my answer.  One kid, a little boy wearing 
overals, suddenly crawled out of his seat and started banging his books on the
desk.  The girl shook her finger at him and mouthed something.  When that 
didn't work, she waved her pointer over the boy's head.  A cloud of pink 
sparklies came out of the tip and settled over the kid.  He climbed back into
his seat and started typing away like a zombie.  So, that was her secret.  It
always comes down to force with magical girls; it's either their way or no 
way at all.  I hated the way they forced their twisted ideals on people and
beat down differing opinions with pink high heels.  I wanted to initiate her
into Ass Cappa Beta.  Yeah, this was for the kids... and the money, and for 
kicks.

   As time went on, the girl grew increasingly agitated.  It was just a frown
on her face at first, but by the time the first class was over, she was pacing
back and forth, snapping at the kids.  About an hour into our stakeout, the 
girl stopped writing in mid-sentence and bustled her charges out of the room.  
It was highly suspicious, but we didn't want to rush in unprepared.  We waited 
a few minutes, but nobody came back.

   We were focusing so much on the classroom and the exits to the school that
when the girl appeared on the rooftop, she scared the hell out of us.  She 
launched right into a speech, reciting it in a singsong voice.

   "What horrid troubles do I spy?"
   "With furrowed brow and watchful eye?"

   (Right about then, she started looking around from side to side with her 
hand shielding her eyes, like she was searching for something far away.  I 
wanted to scream, "Over here, idiot!" but I was busy fumbling with my gun.)

   "It is here..."
   "...there..."
   "...everywhere."
   "In the air..."
   "...on the ground..."
   "...all around..."
   
   At least we found out what made our client so twitchy.  I guess listening 
to that crap day in and day out would make anybody batty.  Hell, even Itami 
once cracked under similar pressure.

   Mind you, we didn't stand there dumbly and watch her recite her stupid 
canned speech.  We opened fire by the time she got to the "watchful eye" part. 
Hey, we're professional assassins, not youma minions or bystanders.  

   We should've finished her off there by all rights, but the bullets just 
bounced off an invisible barrier before they reached her.  Oh great, she was 
one of those girls with a shield.  With nothing stopping her, she rambled on, 
acting like we weren't there.

   "What evil wakes the breaking dawn?"
   "Delinquent truant fools, begone!"
   "Your fast impending doom is near!"
   "For academic truth is here!"     

    For the next verse, she stamped her foot to punctuate the end of each 
line.  I switched to a shotgun, hoping stronger firepower would do the trick.  
No dice.  Itami pulled the pin from a grenade and threw it.  It bounced off 
the shield and fell to the street below, blowing up a passing poodle.  Oops.

   "To educate!"
   "To demonstrate!"
   "The power of love and knowledge!"
   "I'll teach the children happy facts"     
   "And send them off to college!"

    She took a deep breath, gearing up for the big finish.

   "For I am Lovely Rhyme-and-Reason!"

   "So grab your guns, it's open season," I added.  Itami grunted in pain.

   "Sorry about that, Itami."

   Fortunately for our sanity, Lovely Rhyme-and-Reason dropped into prose.

   "You!" she pointed accusingly.  "I sensed your arrival!  In the name of 
higher learning, I will teach you a lesson!"

   Itami and I looked at each other.  We couldn't beat her in a straight 
shootout, so we'd have to distract her, get her to lower her shield somehow.
Since Itami wasn't much of a talker, I handled our end of things.

   "Let me guess," I said.  "You sensed the approach of an evil scourge, yadda
yadda yadda..."

   Lovely shook her head.

   "No!  I smelled the evil stench of two college dropouts!"

   She sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose for good measure.

   "Huh?  We didn't go to college."

   "Eeeeeeek!", she squealed in outrage.  

   "Interesting," I thought.  "This looks like something we can take advantage 
of."

   Acting on a hunch, I casually leaned against a wall.

   "It's _cool_ to skip _school_."

   She cried out in pain and clapped her hands over her ears, shaking her head
from side to side.  Itami and I opened fire again, hoping to score a lucky 
hit, but the shield held, although it wavered a bit.


   There we were, doing we what we do best, and loving every minute of it 
(even though the fear of imminent death kind of masked it at the time).  We
were toe to toe, face to cutesy face, gun to wand, and we knew her weak spot.  
Now it was time to take her to school.




Author's notes:
   Thanks to Tim Harahan, Roe, Jake Wallace, and Calculus for pre-reading.
   Credit goes to Tso for the idea of Criminal Princess Love.

Next writer up: Tim Harahan!
